Thursday, March 5, 2015

A little morning humor

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry but it isn't."

"Well," he asked, "if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl get $20," she answered.

Offended at such an unfair distribution, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all the union rules."

The man asked, "So if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?"

"The girl gets $80 and the house gets $20," the Madam replied.

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and then pointed to a stunningly attractive young green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "But Ethel has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Tis the season

While its not spring, at times it almost feels like spring. Animals are going in to heat, and everything with a dick is on the prowl. One of my room mates has a female dog. It is in heat, and has attracted several males from the region offering their services. The nearest one is a rather large Rottweiler. While friendly most of the time, he is not something I would want to mess with, and would likely consume my wife's male ankle biter in one gulp. Last night when we got home, our dog was at the door begging to go out.
Once in the yard, he made straight for Bella who was on a lead out back. After a few minutes, he began to go crazy, baking up a storm. I looked out expecting to see the neighbors rotty come around the corner. Instead, it was a skunk! It was about six feet from Ci Ci, and time had run out. One second he was barking up a storm, the next attempting to rub his face off on the back walkway.
Fe Fe la Peew wasn't the brightest either though. He decided to hunker down right at the edge of the deck. I grabbed a rifle, circled the house, and dispatched him with a head shot from a safe distance of fifty yards.
I don't have a sense of smell most of the time. I got one slight whiff of the skunk when he opened fire and that was it. It does not prevent my eyes from burning though. They still burn tonight, and its been 23 hours.
Hello spring! the wild animals are coming out in force. Its been a while since I had to shoot anything up by the house. When I first moved out here I was dropping four or five possum, coon or skunk a week. Thankfully only a couple of skunk, this was the fourth.
Right in the middle of the show, my room mate returned from town as well. This was her first time at my redneck wild west show. My wife has seen me dispatch a couple since we've been together. She was talking on the phone and didn't even look out when I shot the poor thing. Didn't ask what was going on until she finished talking with her sister, and only then asked if Ci Ci was fit to let in for the night.
Several western writers tell stories of indians eating skunk believing it had mystical powers. We rednecks aren't that into mysticism thank you. Heck, I don't know if the Beverly Hillbillies ever credited granny with cooking one either. Redneck will eat just about anything. For this redneck, skunk is past the line.

A little morning humor

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A little morning humor

.... This morning I told
my wife that if she made the toast and poured the juice, breakfast would be ready. She thought that was really thoughtful of me, then asked me what we were having. I said, "toast and juice".
 
.... Went to my doctor
the other day to have 15 stitches removed. I won't be trying to use my wife's sewing machine again any time soon.
 
.... My wife needs to have
a kidney transplant and I'm afraid she'll reject it. After all, she's been rejecting my organ for the last ten years.
 

Monday, March 2, 2015

No justice in Kansas

The Supreme injustices of the Kansas Courts ruled to suspend Timothy Henderson, a judge in Sedgwick County after he sexually harassed many female liars err lawyers who appeared in his court. Whether the harassment was truly serious remains unclear, I seriously doubt he asked any of them for a blow job to resolve a case in their favor. What is clear though is that he lied to the panel on Judicial ethics regarding this matter.
I wouldn't have a problem with the 90 day suspension if it was by the neck.  Kansas has serious problems with their judiciary. The system for selecting, approving, retaining, and disposing of bad judges is so poorly constructed that no judge has ever been removed by the election process. Judges face a confidence vote every six years, but none have ever been tossed.
Judges are nominated by a panel that consists of liars selected by the Kansas Bar, and ones appointed by the Governor. The list of nominations is submitted to the Governor, and he makes his selections from that list or rejects them all. Nominations must be liars err lawyers. People with integrity need not apply. There is no legislative review, nor is there public input that can sway these appointment. Once appointed, they face a retention vote every six years. 90% of voters have no clue whether a judge is a wishy wash, or good. Hint, assume they are a wishy wash, and you will be right on a level approaching 100%.
The first solution that comes to mind is to pool all the judges at qualification time. The bottom 10% get tossed back to private practice, and cannot be nominated to any judicial seat for six years. After that, they must poll in the top 50% to remain seated.
I would also open the judiciary to lay persons. In order to be considered a lay judge, the person can not have higher than a bachelors degree, and it cannot be in political science, or prelaw. They must have completed high school. They must have worked in a field not associated with law enforcement for at least five years. any association with law enforcement either as a deputy, officer, reserve officer, or officer of the court to include court appointed special advocate, or jailer would disqualify them from the position of lay judge for ten years. I would also close the position to persons who have held political office, or were active in their respective political party.
As far as Timmy goes, he will be back in 90 days. My bet is that those liars err lawyers who complained about him will be on his shit list, and will have a rough time winning cases before his court. He will be subtle about it though. Yup, he is gonna learn from his mistakes.

A little morning humor

.... I still blame my dad
for my bad sex life. When he was telling me about the birds and the bees, all he said was the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. The first three years of our marriage my wife and I slept in bunk beds.
 
.... I once went out with
a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
 
.... Last evening I asked
my wife if she wanted to change positions. She said OK, you stand over the sink and I'll lie on the sofa with a beer and watch TV.
.... Once I made love to
a virgin. I used a Star Trek condom. I wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before.
 
.... I once made love
to my wife for an hour and five minutes.Okay, so it was on the spring evening we set the clocks ahead.

Ever see the large fuel transport trucks
driving down the street with the sign on the rear: "This vehicle stops at all Railroad Road Crossings"
Saw one the other day:
"This vehicle stops at all R R Crossings, Blonds, Brunettes, and - - - Will back up a mile for a Red Head"

 

I started a petition to ban people
from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 52,148 signatures. 






Sunday, March 1, 2015

Stand with Israel

Reports coming out of Kuwait claim that pResident Short bus threatened to shoot down Israeli planes if they attempted to put an end to Iran's nuclear ambitions. Why am I not surprised? The SCoaMF is a died in the wool communist. He hates Jews. That is part of his culture as well as his closet mooslime cult personality leaking out. His weak support of the government in Iraq is all but assuring another islamist state, one with far fewer scruples then Iran has. I believe ISIS would attack Israel with out hesitation if they had the means and even a remote possibility of success.
If our Congress had any balls what so ever, they would declare war on Iran, and authorize unlimited military aid to Israel for the express purpose of destroying Iran's nuclear capabilities, and ensuring they won't try it again for a decade or four. It won't happen, I can only wish. Most of the republicans are too soft in the head to understand the implications. This is just one more assurance in my book, that we are fast approaching the tribulation. How many years remain?
Zion stands by enemies surrounded. If Obozo has his way, soon we will desert her, then woe is us.