I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and f*cking freezing. I barely slept a wink. In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house. When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.
I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter........................HANNAH, WILL YOU MA... . .
I don't share a lot of personal details in my blog posts. I get on the iternet to rant and rave about the insanity befalling our nation, and to mock liberalism, the cancer that is destroying us. The reason I don't share much personal is because I'm not looking for a pity party.
Last year I took a bad fall and injured my neck. I've been off work since, trying to heal up. In a lot of ways, its been a failure. As teh months have progressed, we've tried many solutions. None helped. things continued to deterioriate, and last week we finally had surgical intervention. The jokes are preposted. I have a stockpile of them to run through July, so they will continue to flow. Until my neck heals enough that I can manage to be on the computer for more then a couple of minutes at a time, posting will be necessarily light. I follow all of my blog buddies, I can read just fine. Its putting my hands onto the keyboard that gives problems.
I don't want to do anything that might prevent a full recovery, and hte doctors say that being on a keyboard isn't healthy at this point. I will try to keep people posted as best I can. I am on fcebook, clicking like and share is nothing, and I do that a lot.
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Wednesday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey and show him."
A guy comes in for his appointment for a root canal. He chats with the dentist for a bit. Finally the dentist says "Ok let's numb you up."
The guy says "Thats not a problem Doc. You don't have to use that stuff. It'll be ok."
The dentist says, "My God man, you got to be kidding me. It will be the "worst pain in the world"
The guy says to the dentist, "No way doc. I already suffered the worst pain in the world."
The dentist is dumb founded and says, "My goodness. What pain in the world would be more painful than a root canal with no Novocain?"
The says, "Well Doc, I was out dear hunting with my buddy's in the North Woods. We spilt up and after a while nature called. So I dropped my pants to my ankles and leaned my back up against a big tree; squatted down to take a dump. All was ok. I even had toilet paper and I was comfortable. But little did I know I was squatted over a bear trap, and when that turd hit the trap the jaws clamp right onto my family jewels!"
The dentist couldn't believe his ears and he said, "My God. You're right, that has to be the worst pain in the world!"
The guy shakes his head and says "Not really, Doc. The way I figure, that was the second most worst pain in the world!"
The dentist says, "What in the hell could possibly be worse than that?"
The guy answers "When I took off running and got to the end of that damn chain!"
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, nearly 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today".
"Oh, really? Let me see...," he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
There was a liberal and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his boyfriend was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His boyfriend had never heard him say that so he stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the boyfriend was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” He said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
A young guy from Kansas moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Kansas." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
I'm a part time volunteer for a local organization similar to the Boys and Girls Clubs, that provides day care for non custodial parents during their summer visitations. Today was our first day this year.
We gathered our group of kids, nearly twenty in all, and sat them down for an introduction. We asked each of them to introduce themselves, tell us where they were from, and what the parent they were visiting did for a living.
Ben went first. He said, "I live in Ohio with my grandparents. I'm here visiting my dad. He's a Platoon Sergeant in the Army."
Sarah went next. She said, "I live with my daddy in Texas. I'm here to visit my mommy who is a nurse at the hospital."
Johnny was next. He said, "I live with my mom in Colorado. I'm here to see my dad. He's a dancer with a gay cabaret. He lets strange men touch his dick, and some times he takes them in the back, and if they pay him enough, he gives them blow jobs."
Needless to say, that ended the introductions, and we volunteers scrambled to get the kids onto some other activity, in this case, a soccer game at City Park.
Johnny's dad came for him at lunch. I took it upon myself to approach him about this delicate subject. I began with, "Your son shared quite a bit of interesting stuff about you and your job with the other kids....."
Johnny's dad replied, I've never though of my job as interesting. In fact, being an accountant for the IRS is usually pretty boring if not tedious."
That is the message if you live in San Franfreakshow. Its bad enough to be constantly at risk from their homosexual population, but now the city islamofascist defense system is down. City officials closed the main defense system after residents, most likely islamofascist infiltrators, complained about the smell. Some one who doesn't like the smell of bacon? Don't let wire cutter and Angel know, the state will get cut off and fall into the Pacific fur shur.
Not to fear though, Jim Angelus the owner, will continue operation via mobile defense devices err mobile kitchen vehicles.
So, now its time to vote. Texas has been making noise about scession. Should, a, Texas form their own nation, or b, California be excommunicated and kicked off the continent? I opt for b, its cheaper then me moving south.
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
This ObamAA- supporter goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"
The liberal replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?" The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"
When people say, "It's always the last place you look". (No kiddin'! Why would you keep looking after you've found what you're looking for?)
When someone tells me that something is "new and improved." (Which is it? If it's new, then there's never been anything before it. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.)
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". (Of course I do. What good is cake if you can't eat it?)
When people say "life is short". (No it isn't. Name me one other single thing that people participate in that's longer)
When people say "President Obama." (WTF Happened!)
Peggy Sue and Mary Ellen, two elderly redneck widows in an Oklahoma adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Mary Ellen says, "Peggy Sue , you know I'm shy...Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Peggy Sue agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Peggy Sue . Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo ... Mary Ellen. He's single!"
Begin by standing on a
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each
2.. With a 5-lbpotatobag in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then
Each day you'll find
that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb
potato bags. 4.. Then try 50-lbpotato bags and then
eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute.(I'm at this level)
5. After you feel confident at that
level, put a potato in each bag.
To the tune of Don Hendleys The End of the Innocence.
Remember when the news weren’t lies
Broadcast across America’s skies
Didn’t have DHS in the world
We’d go where ever when friends stopped by
But CNN’s and AP’s lies fail
And we’ve been poisoned by the Benghazi Tale
Let the House dwell on All details
Since Obama had to lie.
But I know a place where he should go
Still untouched by man
Sit and watch neptune pass by
Like a small small grain of sand.
Patriots all must stand our ground
And cast the lies and liars all down
For treason there is no defense
Make this the end make this the end
Of this president.
Oh beautiful for Patriot skies
But now those skies are threatening
They can now use printers to make swords
To fight this liar of liars who thinks he’s king
Disarmimg the nation’s doomed to fail
And even AP can’t cover his tail
The Senate will hear all th’ details
Since Obama had to lie
But I know a place where he can go
And pay for all his sin.
Sit and watch the guards walk by
And never see sun light again
Just bang his head down on the ground
With islamist scum filed all arround
Let Holder offer some defense
Let this be the end
This be the end of this president.
Who knows how long the hearings will last
2014 elections come so fast
But evidence buried in the dust
Will soon convince enough of us
Remember Benghazi AP, IRS
Keep track, stay mad and make a list
And don’t give pardon to this crook
Tollerate not his lies
Throw his birth certificate on the ground
And return Kenya’s village clown
Prove to the world we aren’t that dense
But this is the end
This is the end of this president.
Black serial killer Kermit Gosnell has been found guilty of three murders and one count of manslaughter for his abortion operation. The lamestream media kept this a nonissue for most of the trial, and when they began coverage, it was with claims that Gosnell was a scapegoat, that the trial was about racism and elitism. Now with the guilty verdict, Planned parents who kill is saying that Gosnell is a prime example of why more abortion clinics are needed.
Sorry, but in my mind, abortion is myrder whether the child is a few days old, or near full term. It is a geneticly unique individual, and we tollerate the intollerable in the name of privacy. So what is the diffrence if a child is murdered in the womb, or if that child is murdered at two years of age, or if that child is a teenager slaughtered by her father because she was too westernized? all are murder, yet the media will defend both the abortionist, and the islamic hater. Hell, they were all but defending Casey Anthony. Right is wrong. Less is more. Arbeit macht frei. We are screwed.
The priest in a small Kansas village was very proud of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant.. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for a U S Congressman from the state of New York"
"Wow! That's correct,but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.
The layers of the coverup are being peeled away. The propaganda arm of the democrat party is racing to distract and distort, but the truth about Benghazi is emerging, and so too are Republican plans to rid America of this bumbling menace.
In the last few days, I have been involved in several face(less)book debates about this. The dems invariable point to garbage about how there were numerous embassy attacks when Bush was in office. They claim that eleven attacks cost 54 American lives. I found a list on Mediamatters that had seven, and no American deaths.
Lets not forget that the early accusations were that this was orchestrated to be an October suprise in which Stevens was to be Kidnapped, and a hostage exchange negotiated in which the bkind sheik, the asshat behind the 1993 bombing of the World trade center would be freed. The rumor had it that the security guys threw a monkey wrench in the master plan, and when they managed to kill Several of th eislamists, they thought they had been double crossed and took vengance on Stevens. reports of him being raped have been scrubbed from many accounts, and the information war is on to cover for our Kenyan born commie.
So, I guess we sit quietly and bide our time in hopes that the mid term election in 2014 sends the communist cabal including Franken packin.
As Bubba lay on his deathbed, he called for his best friend Billy Ray "Billy Ray", said Bubba," I'm dying, I haven't got much time left on this world. You're my best friend in the world, have been since we were children, and I have one final request I need to ask of you."
Billy Ray says, "Of course old friend, I'd do anything for you, just say it and it's done!"
"Good, I was sure I could count on you." says Bubba, "Here's what I want you to do. In my closet up in the corner of the top shelf is a small wooden box. In that box is a bottle of moon shine that was made by my Grandfather. Its never been opened and it's over 150 years old. When I'm dead and buried I want you to take that bottle and pour it over my grave as a tribute to Dixie."
"Of course," said Billy Ray, "Whatever my best friend in the world wants he gets, I owe it to you for all the years of devoted loyalty you've shown me. But would you mind if I did one little thing first?"
"Oh, and what would that be?", asked Bubba.
"Well," said Billy Ray, "Would you mind if I drank it first??"
Jodi Arias has been convicted of 1st degree murder. Maybe had she come forward immediately, she wouldn't have been convicted, then again, she probably wold have. I haven't been following this story, its a distraction for the media to use to divert attention from the important matters happening in Washington. Its long past time for the mediocre to do their job and report on the horrible way this administration has conducted itself in Libya and else where.
I no longer bother to watch the news, I hate being lied to by condescending jerks.
Instead of death, Jodi should get sentenced to life, and stuck in the mens prison so she can be beaten and abused for generations. Ifthey must give her death, stab her to death like she did her exboyfriend.
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck . Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy , I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want It," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy , then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch that pushed me in the pool!"
The FBI reports that they have thwarted another terror attack, this time by a Minnesota felon. Expect the usual round fo demand for more gun control. The left will once again ignore that this guy was in violation of numerous laws, and another law wouldn't have stopped him.
Honestly, I was shocked to find out he was not muslim. Then again, he just may be a convert, and no one is reporting it yet. He was convicted in henepin County which is an area with a lot of mooslimes. The press is trying to make this sound uber bad anyway. They are rambling on about it being a Romanian AK-74 assault rifle. Well, a huge percentage of AK-47 and AK-74 rifles imported into the USA are from Romania. So unless its a full auto variant, the American Pravda needs to shut its pie hole and just go away.
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Yvonne would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Yvonne didn't receive your Email."
(yea, decided to type something other then "Something to start your day out right. Have a great week)
A woman picks up a low information voter in a bar.... Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him,looks him straight in the eye and says,"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,"Oh My God, you're Nancy P Lousy!"
A man stumbles up to the bar looking very haggard, and says, "Give me five shots of whisky and right now!"
The bartender lines up five shot glasses on the bar, and fills them with whiskey. As he turns around from putting the bottle up he notices that the five shot classes are empty. "God almighty, that was fast," the bartender says.
"Yeah, well you would drink fast too if you had what I have," says the customer.
The bartender takes a step back and says, "what have you got?"
They guy pulls his hand out of his pocket and says, "Seventy-five cents."
American Pravda is out to make the Boston Terrorists into alter boys. Its blatantly obvious they did not do this alone, and now we have three additional subjects who clearly aided them after the fact. How do ObamAA-s water carriers label them? Friends, just friends.
These pukes knew too much. They knew that vasiline could be used in making bombs, and they disposed of it, along with the fireworks that was harvested to create the bombs. Lets quit with hte pussy footing around. Lets quit running scared from Saudi Arabia. We should just nuke Mecca, invade sand flea central, and take their damned oil as reparations for all the problems thier religion has caused. then to keep the rest of the world happy, sell the oil to every one for $35 bucks a barrel.
Just remember, there is no god named allah, and Mohammed was a pedophile.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away." The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?" The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."