F O D

I was in a convenience store this morning and I noticed that they had a large display of incense. I was looking it over and saw that one of the flavors was named Barack Obama. The only thing I can figure out is that when you light it, it smells like an asshole.

A little morning humor

1. Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
4. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on."
7. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
8. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

A little morning humor

I saw a woman ram into my car at Walmart, and she continued to park and go inside like nothing happened, so I left her a note.
I told her that I forgave her for the minor damages to my old car.
I explained how I was not mad that she had totally disrespected all of humanity and me in particular by not leaving me a note about the damage. I went on to explain that it was also very disrespectful for her car to leave so much paint in my key.

F I D

Do you think my friends and i caused a muslim riot?

We snuck into the mosque near my friend dave's house and stuck pieces of bacon between all the korans. later we saw a group of muslims yelling outside. is that our fault?

Best Answer:

I really REALLY wish this to be true

A little morning humor

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.

A little morning humor

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A little morning humor

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts.”