A little morning humor

1. Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
4. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on."
7. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
8. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.