Monday, March 30, 2015

Did the Supreme Court get this one right?

Chester the Molester err Torrey Dale Grady is a twice convicted pervert. He was convicted of a second degree sexual offense in 1997, and in 2006 was convicted of taking indecent liberties with a child, a death penalty offense in my opinion. After he was released from prison, he was ordered to appear in Court as a recidivist and was ordered to undergo satellite based monitoring. Chester didn't like that. Cant say as I blame him, a monitor like that can put a damper on the sex relations, especially if it shows him in the vicinity of where a child goes missing, and an examination of his trail leads to her discovery. Some guys would rather be dead then go with out sex. For Grady, I'd opt for the former.
North Carolina in their efforts to get it right got it all wrong though. They ruled that the monitoring was not a search when clearly it is. That gave Chester a path to the Supreme court, and today they ruled that indeed it is a search. Thank GOD they did not end the discussion there though. They sent it back to Carolina with a note in the second to the last paragraph that the fourth amendment prohibits only unreasonable searches.
So is it reasonable to make a predator wear a monitor? I'd opt for chemical castration with a pound of tanerite for any one who molests a child.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

A little morning humor

Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for lunch and ask what was available for lunch and were told there were pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries.
They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat.
After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog and asks the other
"So what part of the dog did you get?"

"A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300.

The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Blind Fold

An American man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Chinese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."

The American replied, "Put on a blind fold."

The Chinese man asked, "Where do I get one?

The American then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

They finally charged him

Deserter Bo Bergdahl has finally been charged. The misbehavior before the enemy is nice icing on the cake. This mooslime maroon cost several good soldiers their lives. For that he deserves the harshest possible punishment.
We should cancel the deal Obozo made and give him back to the taliban. Castrate him first. Take him to a hog farrowing operation and castrate him along with a truck load of hogs. Then pack him and the Rocky Mountain oysters in ice and drop them into the middle of an ISIS camp.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

A little morning humor

A certain wealthy man was walking by and he noticed three lazy men just sitting there in the alley and he was curious as to which of the three was the laziest so he approached them and said to them "Which ever of you three is the laziest I will give this one hundred dollar bill to. Then he took it out of his wallet and immediately two of the men jumped up claiming to be the laziest but the third man didn't even stand up so the rich man said to the two "indeed you two are lazy but this third man, he is so lazy he wouldn't even get up" Then the rich man looks down to the lazy man and says "congratulations, you are the laziest of all, here is your grand prize of 100.00" and the lazy man looks up at him with grief and says "aww man, can you put it in my pocket for me?"

Saturday, March 14, 2015

A little morning humor

.... Had a nightmare last night
I dreamed Kate Upton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

.... My wife will buy anything
marked down. She went to Macy's and bought an escalator.

.... Slept like a log last night
At least I think so. This morning I woke up in the fireplace.

....I had a dream I was a car muffler
when I woke up, I was exhausted!
Ever see a Yahoo Bird?
AZ state bird.
No tails feathers and great big balls and every time they land on a cactus they holler YAAAAWHHHHOOOOOOO......... 

What do you have when there's a green ball in
your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand.
Kermit the frog's attention. 

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair
of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Pull OUT

We have now endured months of riots and unrest in Ferguson Misery as well as other parts of the country over the lies perpetuated by the black grievance industry over the justified shooting of St Swisher Sweets. That has now climaxed with the shooting of two officers in Ferguson.
Its time to evacuate the sane folks from the city. Build a fence. Build it like the Soviets did the Berlin Wall. Contain the problem, ship in food and other necessities, and let them destroy them selves and the city. If we can catch Jesse Jackass and Al not-so-sharp in the net, all the better. For good masure, send Chump er Crump in as well.

A little morning humor

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child`s name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let`s go."

Thursday, March 12, 2015

A little morning humor

.... People laughed at me
when I told them I was going to put jokes on my site. Well, they're not laughing now.
.... I practice safe sex.
I meet my mistress at least thirty miles from home.
.... Watched my wedding video
backwards today. I wanted to see myself walking out of the church a free man.
.... I have the capacity
to learn from my mistakes. I learned a lot yesterday.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

A little morning humor

When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A little morning humor

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.

So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.

He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.


"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

Monday, March 9, 2015

Another nice puppy

Once again a pitbull has murdered some one. This time the victim was a man coming to the aid of the dog's owner, who had suffered a heart attack.
Pitbulls are about as good as rattle snakes or alligators as far as pets go. Yes, the Happiest Millionaire had some for pets, alligators, not pitbulls, if you are familiar with Walt Disney's final musical. He kept them locked in a special room.
I will concede that there might be a use for pitbulls, several in fact.
1. The average pit can feed a family of six Koreans for a week.
2. You can make three to five designer purses from each hide. (wallet size, you don't want them to get large enough for a shoulder bag.
3. hunting wild boar. If your region has a serious infestation, you then have an excuse for pitbulls larger than wallet size.
Sorry folks, its not the owners fault. Ok, it is, no one who is dumb enough to own one should be allowed to own any animal. Its genetics. Pits were bred for their aggressive nature. They were intended to be tough and tenacious. The kind of spirit you see in them is not something that can be taught. No one uses a Dalmatian to track escaped convicts, and no one uses a blood hound to hunt pheasant. Mastiffs make lousy lap dogs, and  if you ever see a shi tzu team pulling a dogsled, send me a video.
Pits are not pets. Roy Higgenbotham Jr. is dead because David Wallace was a fool.

A little morning humor

"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Sunday, March 8, 2015

A little morning humor

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

A little morning humor

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Boudreaux’s neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, They were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”

Boudreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

Friday, March 6, 2015

Enough with waiting for KKKalifornia to fall in to the ocean, its time to give them a push

The bat shit craziness that is California has reached a new low, one that is beneath the deepest part of the Mariana's trench. The rat on campus at UC Irvine have voted to remove the American flag from campus. Let that sink in. These leeches are attending a university funded by American tax payers. They have thus far been educated, and I say that tongue in cheek, with American tax dollars, and now they want to remove the Stars and Stripes from campus.
I have a better idea, lets remove THEM from campus. Send their sorry asses to Cuba, let them get a masters in Cigar rolling from Fidel's finest teachers. Or they can go to Venezuela and learn all about bankrupting a nation. Sure, they cold learn that in Detroit, but since they, like Obambi have no love for this country, they can pack their shit and get out.
Remember the book "The Man without a Country"? Lets do a modern day remake of it.
Yes, I know, there were only six on the stupid err student governing body who voted for the ban, but they were not elected to the positions because of their shoe size. These idiots think like the maroons who elected them, or should I say fail to think, just like the morons who elected them.
California is in dire financial trouble. They could save a few pounds and just defund the university right now. The professors? They are part of the problem, they are teaching this trash to think like, well, trash.
I guess they are part of the reason ISIS hasn't attacked the west coast. Why kill their friends and allies.

A little morning humor

What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton' at KFC?

Two thighs and a left wing.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

A little morning humor

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry but it isn't."

"Well," he asked, "if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl get $20," she answered.

Offended at such an unfair distribution, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all the union rules."

The man asked, "So if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?"

"The girl gets $80 and the house gets $20," the Madam replied.

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and then pointed to a stunningly attractive young green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "But Ethel has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Tis the season

While its not spring, at times it almost feels like spring. Animals are going in to heat, and everything with a dick is on the prowl. One of my room mates has a female dog. It is in heat, and has attracted several males from the region offering their services. The nearest one is a rather large Rottweiler. While friendly most of the time, he is not something I would want to mess with, and would likely consume my wife's male ankle biter in one gulp. Last night when we got home, our dog was at the door begging to go out.
Once in the yard, he made straight for Bella who was on a lead out back. After a few minutes, he began to go crazy, baking up a storm. I looked out expecting to see the neighbors rotty come around the corner. Instead, it was a skunk! It was about six feet from Ci Ci, and time had run out. One second he was barking up a storm, the next attempting to rub his face off on the back walkway.
Fe Fe la Peew wasn't the brightest either though. He decided to hunker down right at the edge of the deck. I grabbed a rifle, circled the house, and dispatched him with a head shot from a safe distance of fifty yards.
I don't have a sense of smell most of the time. I got one slight whiff of the skunk when he opened fire and that was it. It does not prevent my eyes from burning though. They still burn tonight, and its been 23 hours.
Hello spring! the wild animals are coming out in force. Its been a while since I had to shoot anything up by the house. When I first moved out here I was dropping four or five possum, coon or skunk a week. Thankfully only a couple of skunk, this was the fourth.
Right in the middle of the show, my room mate returned from town as well. This was her first time at my redneck wild west show. My wife has seen me dispatch a couple since we've been together. She was talking on the phone and didn't even look out when I shot the poor thing. Didn't ask what was going on until she finished talking with her sister, and only then asked if Ci Ci was fit to let in for the night.
Several western writers tell stories of indians eating skunk believing it had mystical powers. We rednecks aren't that into mysticism thank you. Heck, I don't know if the Beverly Hillbillies ever credited granny with cooking one either. Redneck will eat just about anything. For this redneck, skunk is past the line.

A little morning humor

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A little morning humor

.... This morning I told
my wife that if she made the toast and poured the juice, breakfast would be ready. She thought that was really thoughtful of me, then asked me what we were having. I said, "toast and juice".
.... Went to my doctor
the other day to have 15 stitches removed. I won't be trying to use my wife's sewing machine again any time soon.
.... My wife needs to have
a kidney transplant and I'm afraid she'll reject it. After all, she's been rejecting my organ for the last ten years.

Monday, March 2, 2015

No justice in Kansas

The Supreme injustices of the Kansas Courts ruled to suspend Timothy Henderson, a judge in Sedgwick County after he sexually harassed many female liars err lawyers who appeared in his court. Whether the harassment was truly serious remains unclear, I seriously doubt he asked any of them for a blow job to resolve a case in their favor. What is clear though is that he lied to the panel on Judicial ethics regarding this matter.
I wouldn't have a problem with the 90 day suspension if it was by the neck.  Kansas has serious problems with their judiciary. The system for selecting, approving, retaining, and disposing of bad judges is so poorly constructed that no judge has ever been removed by the election process. Judges face a confidence vote every six years, but none have ever been tossed.
Judges are nominated by a panel that consists of liars selected by the Kansas Bar, and ones appointed by the Governor. The list of nominations is submitted to the Governor, and he makes his selections from that list or rejects them all. Nominations must be liars err lawyers. People with integrity need not apply. There is no legislative review, nor is there public input that can sway these appointment. Once appointed, they face a retention vote every six years. 90% of voters have no clue whether a judge is a wishy wash, or good. Hint, assume they are a wishy wash, and you will be right on a level approaching 100%.
The first solution that comes to mind is to pool all the judges at qualification time. The bottom 10% get tossed back to private practice, and cannot be nominated to any judicial seat for six years. After that, they must poll in the top 50% to remain seated.
I would also open the judiciary to lay persons. In order to be considered a lay judge, the person can not have higher than a bachelors degree, and it cannot be in political science, or prelaw. They must have completed high school. They must have worked in a field not associated with law enforcement for at least five years. any association with law enforcement either as a deputy, officer, reserve officer, or officer of the court to include court appointed special advocate, or jailer would disqualify them from the position of lay judge for ten years. I would also close the position to persons who have held political office, or were active in their respective political party.
As far as Timmy goes, he will be back in 90 days. My bet is that those liars err lawyers who complained about him will be on his shit list, and will have a rough time winning cases before his court. He will be subtle about it though. Yup, he is gonna learn from his mistakes.

A little morning humor

.... I still blame my dad
for my bad sex life. When he was telling me about the birds and the bees, all he said was the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. The first three years of our marriage my wife and I slept in bunk beds.
.... I once went out with
a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
.... Last evening I asked
my wife if she wanted to change positions. She said OK, you stand over the sink and I'll lie on the sofa with a beer and watch TV.
.... Once I made love to
a virgin. I used a Star Trek condom. I wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before.
.... I once made love
to my wife for an hour and five minutes.Okay, so it was on the spring evening we set the clocks ahead.

Ever see the large fuel transport trucks
driving down the street with the sign on the rear: "This vehicle stops at all Railroad Road Crossings"
Saw one the other day:
"This vehicle stops at all R R Crossings, Blonds, Brunettes, and - - - Will back up a mile for a Red Head"


I started a petition to ban people
from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 52,148 signatures. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Stand with Israel

Reports coming out of Kuwait claim that pResident Short bus threatened to shoot down Israeli planes if they attempted to put an end to Iran's nuclear ambitions. Why am I not surprised? The SCoaMF is a died in the wool communist. He hates Jews. That is part of his culture as well as his closet mooslime cult personality leaking out. His weak support of the government in Iraq is all but assuring another islamist state, one with far fewer scruples then Iran has. I believe ISIS would attack Israel with out hesitation if they had the means and even a remote possibility of success.
If our Congress had any balls what so ever, they would declare war on Iran, and authorize unlimited military aid to Israel for the express purpose of destroying Iran's nuclear capabilities, and ensuring they won't try it again for a decade or four. It won't happen, I can only wish. Most of the republicans are too soft in the head to understand the implications. This is just one more assurance in my book, that we are fast approaching the tribulation. How many years remain?
Zion stands by enemies surrounded. If Obozo has his way, soon we will desert her, then woe is us.

Just when you thought it could get no worse

.... Restaurant
Customer: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waiter: We just tell them straight out they're going to die.
.... Texan
A Texan is in France when he sees the Eiffel Tower. He asks the tour guide, "How many barrels a day do you get out of her?".
.... I went to a really
tough high school. We had our own coroner.
.... I went to see a
psychiatrist. I told her I might be a sex addict. She said that she could help me and informed me that she charged $75 per hour. I asked her how much for all night?