Sunday, June 30, 2013

A little morning humor

I was asked to run a marathon. I said,  "Fuck off".
They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought... "Fuck, I could win this."

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Saturday blonde joke

A blonde was playing Trivial Persuit one night, it was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, if you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for a time and then asked,

"is it on or off?"

Friday, June 28, 2013

Holy shit! an honest witness

I'm not closely following the Zimmerman travesty, but I am following it. It is a misscarriage of justice to try George for defending himself. So far, the persecution witnesses have been what appear to me, to be a pack of liars. They have claimed that Zimmerman, not Martin was on top. So, let me get this straight, George Zimmerman got those cuts and scrapes on the back of his head from the Florida night air? Seems also, I remember something about grass stains on his shirt.
Now one witness, John Good, is saying The thug was on top! No, John didn't call Martin a thug, I"m calling him a thug, John merely stated that the lighter skinned guy was on the bottom.
It will be interesting when physical evidence begins to get introduced. If the drug dealing thug was on the bottom, they should have recovered the slug from the ground under him. A 9mm at that range should be a through and through.
Its time for Angella Cory, and the Obamunists to quit defending this abusive thug.

Redneck humor

Little Daisy Mae came home from school and with a  smile on her face and told her mother. "Bubba Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Daisy Mae went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut".
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Daisy Mae's Mom asked, "Really small was it?"
Daisy replied, "No... salty!"

Thursday, June 27, 2013

7 types of sex

SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "fuck you."

RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least...

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

race card fail

A black drug addicted murderer who slaughtered white victims to fund her crack cocain habit has been executed in Texas, the 13th female in the nation to receive full justice, and the 500th person in Texas.
Lets remember the victims for a moment, shall we? One was a 71 year old woman whose finger was cut off for her ring. She was stabbed multiple times by this scumbucket. Another was an 81 year old woman beaten wit ha meat tenderizer, and the last known victim was a 85 year old woman beaten with a claw hammer and stabbed. Yes, this racist targeted elderly white women.
So what was their basis for appeal? Racism! They claim that since all but one of her jurors was white, it had to be a conviction based soley on racism. Never mind the heinous crimes, never mind that her victims were white and elderly. Was SHE racist? Or was she agist? Eitehr way, she is dead. I love how this kind of scum brag about finding Jesus, but if they truly believed, they would confess their sins, ask forgiveness, and accept their punishment. You reap what you sow.
Oh, another point about this useless flap of flesh, her exhusband, who testified on her behalf, is Aaron Michaels, the founder of the New Black panther party. Gee, they aint racist neither.
And I will finish by again stating that lethal injection is too kind an end for people like this. Lethal injection should only be offered to offenders who confess their crime, and waive all appeals AND are executed within 72 hrs of conviction. After that, let them do a Texas air Dance.

A little morning humor

10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won't Admit:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
8. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White And Black People Know, But Hispanic People Won't Admit:

1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.!
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths White And Hispanic People Know, But Black People Won't Admit:

1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A little morning humor

Two Navy captains were sitting in a bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

Monday, June 24, 2013

Redneck Monday

Leroy had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife Mary Sue, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state.

But Leroy continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to Her friend Elly Mae about Leroy's behavior.

Elly mae listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

Mary Sue thought it was worth trying.

That night, Leroy took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

Mary Sue heard Leroy at the door and let him in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Leroy replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

Sunday, June 23, 2013

AHHHHH Happy pills

Neighbors turned up missing. Police found the wifes diary. Here are excerts:

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . .

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell. . . .

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over . .

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was “The Smurfs Do Denmark.” Even my armpits hurt. He’s a nasty man

Day 12.
OK, I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous . . . .

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” butt-thing again, I’m gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me “Sister Wendy” makes “Father Woody” want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to - stiff. With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket. I’m starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself; he did. He must die.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Saturday blonde joke

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you
Run like hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!

Friday, June 21, 2013

A little morning humor

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I got into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I badly need to pee....

Thursday, June 20, 2013

A little morning humor

A missionary realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Eating a biscuit" The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.

"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My biscuit", the chief replied.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

How about a trade?

So, it looks like the flexibility thing just did not work out for our unabashed communist with the yellow streak. Putin had nothing but kind words for ObamAA- though as they parted ways it appears. he could have, should have, called him a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure. he didn't.
Wh7y don't we just trade leaders? Russia is used to communism. Putin is as American as ObamAA-, and pr0bably a lot more patriotic. Then again, the people of Russia have done nothing to deserve Barry. We on the other hand have tollerated too much intollerable crap.

a little morning humor

Bubba and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Bubba gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a Bud for me and a Bud Lite for Donkey."
The two guys drink their Beer and Bubba says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have another Bud."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 b b b b bottles of b b b b Budweiser p p p please."
While donkey gets the deinks, Bubba goes to the toilet and the bartender says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

Monday, June 17, 2013

A little morning humor

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Sunday, June 16, 2013

A little morning humor

A construction worker  accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?"

"No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Saturday low information voter joke

What does a low information voter say after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?

Saturday blonde joke

A blonde  called an import parts  warehouse and asked for a 28 ounce water pump.

"A what?" said the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28 ounce water pump."

"A 28 ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy wrote down "Datsun, 28 ounce water pump" the light in his head went on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28 ounce water pumps. We have 24 ounce and 26 ounce water pumps, too."

"Finally, " she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28 ounce water pump," he said.

(the other places must have been staffed wit hlow information voters)

Friday, June 14, 2013

A little morning humor

There's this old priest in  Chicago who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited Rahmbo and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week".

Thursday, June 13, 2013

A little morning humor

Last month a world-wide telephone survey 
was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Too bad

Some folks see Jim Carrey as more of a never was then a has been. The bumbling idiot actor who disendeared himself to millions of loyal Americans is having trouble finding a studio to make Dumb and Dumber To. Thats Ok with me, the first two in the series sucked.
I sincerely hope its a backlash to his anti 2A that is causing him woe. In any case, I am glad to see him fade away. Now he just needs to go away.
Some where in Canada, a village is missing their idiot. Or at least happily living with out him.

A little morning humor

 I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Did you hear ?

Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?”
Jim: "You mean about the setting up of Seal Team 6?"
Bob: "No, the other one.
 Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Bob: “No, the other one.” Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?” Bob: “No, the other one.” Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, e-mails and everything else?”
Bob: “No, the other one”
Jim: “The State Dept. (new today) interfering with an IG investigation on dept. sexual misconduct?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “HHS employees (also new today) being given insider information on Medicare Advantage?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper & Holder all lying to Congress?”
Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-info voters stuck us again with the most corrupt administration in American history?”

A little mornig humor

A Recent Sex Study has determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is doggie style.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Monday, June 10, 2013

A little morning humor

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey  on what they liked best about " Oral Sex ":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A little morning humor

What the bases could have meant in the old days:

--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your

--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage

--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Rookie- Virgin
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- manage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- VD
--Three up and three down- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.

NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Saturday low information voter joke

A liberal walked into a bar  on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The liberal replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the liberal said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the ObamAA- fan said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only child, I'm guessing."

Saturday blonde joke

A blonde went to visit London and returned home broken-hearted after learning that Big Ben was a clock

Friday, June 7, 2013

A little morning humor

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Missouri, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Pick up your weapon and follow me

This day always brings to my memory a cadence we had when I first joined the Military. Maybe its still arround.
Oohh Soldier, Combat Soldier,
Pick up your weapon and follow me
I am the Infantry.
1st Division,
Patch on my shoulder
A First in battle Soldier,
A Ft Riley Soldier.
Pick up your weapon and follow me
I am the infantry.
82nd Patch on my shoulder
A Ft Bragg Soldier,
An always airborne Soldier
Pick up your weapon and follow me
I am the Infantry.

And so on through the many famous and outstanding units of American Army History, ending  with the verse

Sixth Of June
Brave men are dying
Dying on the beaches
Dting for freedom
Freedom and honor
Pick up your weapon and follow me
I am the Infantry.

This day has special meaning. Stronger than Independence Day, greater then Memorial Day, or any other, this Day marked the determination personified that We would not tollerate tyranny. Lets keep that tradition alie. Lets rekindle that spirit. Lets kick the communists in our government to the coast and into the water.
Do not let the deaths of our grandfathers be wasted effort. Demand better of our government. Their legacy demands it.

A little morning humor

Dear Mom ,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck

I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A little morning humor

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.

He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A little morning humor

An old man was sitting in the front row at a town hall meeting, heckling the congressman as he delivered a long speech. Finally the congressman could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said,

"will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the community."

"Well Mr. congressman," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

Monday, June 3, 2013

A little morning humor

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

A little morning humor

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Saturday low information voter joke

The low information wife of a low information voter gives birth at the hospital.  When her husband arrives the nurse says, ”Congratulations, your wife has had quints.”

“Quints,” the low information voter says with an inquisitive voice, “What the hell
are quints?”

The nurse responds, “Five babies, all boys.”

The liberal sticks out his chest and says,
"I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies,
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

Saturday blonde joke

A young blonde virgin marries a Greek man. Just before the wedding, her father tells her that being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn over for love making one day. If she doesn't want to do it that way he tells her, she doesn't have to. Sure enough, after a couple of months her husband asks her to turn over for sex. "No way," the girl protested.

"Dad said I didn't have to do that!"

 "OK," replied the husband, "but I thought you wanted children!"

Heard it about thirty years ago with the punch line: A few weeks later the young blonde calls home and asks, "Dad, I'm gonna hafta turn over, my ass is so sore I can't poop."

Either way, enjoy your day.