Yondering

I spent two years stationed in Germany. I lucked out and got assigned to an ADA maintenance detachment stationed on an Air Base. Got to see what the good life really was. Being Army we had to be up before the crack of Dawn and out doing PT. The Air Force finally said enough, and we got booted off base. Wound up at a place called Pirmasens. Not a bad place if you don't mind getting assaulted by you're-a-peon green party communist hacks.
We had a fellow in the unit whom I will call Mike. Mike's job was receiving and distributing parts. Since we repaired Vulcan ADA guns and Chaparral  missile launchers, he was busy.
One morning, Mike was busy doing inventory on a pallet of parts that had just been delivered. The pallets normally contained a 44x44 box about two feet high. That box would have a hundred or more bags or boxes of small parts, and if something was a critical piece for a down system, they needed that NOW. I was standing with a couple of the Vulcan repairmen BSing, when a group came traipsing through between us and Mike. I wasn't really paying attention, but some one in that group reached out and swatted Mike on his butt.
Mike jumped up, grabbed his ass, and began looking frantically about.
Me, "Hey Mike, whats up?"
Mike, "Some faggot just slapped me on the ass!"
Me, "Don't worry about it, if they were gay, they'd have given it a big old squeeze."
After glancing around, Mike went back to digging through the box. Not ten seconds later, some one else walked past and gave his butt a hard squeeze.
Mike stood erect, grabbed his ass and with out so much as a glance around, sprinted for the barracks. Our barracks were old German ones, and if you are not familiar with German locks,  they take a key on either side. Unlike American locks, if you leave the key in and turned, no one can use another key to get in. All our barracks rooms were master keyed, and the charge Quarters could get in to any body's room in the building. Well, Mike made sure no one was coming in to his room.
As it happened, our CO was on leave. The only officer at the unit was a crusty old CW-4 with a bad temper, and an evil sense of humor. The chief grabbed a chair and parked right outside Mikes door, and like a hostage negotiator began coaxing poor Mike, reassuring himand finally got him to come out of his room. Sanding there in the empty hall, the chief reassuringly patted him on th shoulder and said, "Mike, there are no queers in this unit, you have my word on that.... Its just, well, you have a cute ass."
Didn't see Mike for four days. His room didn't have a latrine, and I sat CQ duty for two of those nights. My family was stateside, and for fifty bucks I was willing to pull night shift on Friday and Saturday. Especially with what happened to Mike.
Mike crept out on Monday, made a bee line to the CO and demanded a transfer to any where on the planet. Didn't get it, and after that, we had every body on the Kaserne blowing him kisses.