Something to start your day off right

Cletus decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bubba. They loaded up Cletus's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Cletus said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Cletus got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bubba and asked: "Bubba, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bubba's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bubba. She just died and left me everything!"

Back in the Saddle

More or less. Took a swift trip to North Duhkota. If you crossed them with New Yorkers, it woud be insanity. Forgot to take the laptop along.

Male Sensitivity

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Something to start your day off right

Husband and wife agreed that anytime they wants to have sex they'll call it a "phone call". One day they had a fight n the wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other through their kids. the husband to his son:Tell mommy daddy wants to make a phone call Wife replies:Tell daddy the network is down today. Dad replies:Tell your mom that if there's no network at home,I'll go to a public phone. Wife to her son:Tell your dad if he dare go to a public phone,I'll open a call center at home.

Saturday low information voter joke

A liberal college professor pushed her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Then she put a coexist bumper sticker on her trunk lid.

Saturday Blonde Joke

 A judge was interviewing a blonde regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

The real story here

I wa swalking down the street today and saw four guys beating up my wifes brother. When I told her about it, she got real concerned and asked me what I did. I told her, don't worry between the 5 of us we kicked his ass real good.
Well, back to the hospital....

Something to start your day off right

Bubba always looked on the bright side.  He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Bubba could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Bubba, did
you hear about Cletus? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Bubba, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"

"Well," replied Bubba, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

Something to start your day off right

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest redneck ever.

She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

I said, "Pack your bags and get the fuck out."

Well, looks like its back to the hospital for more sutures.

Terror training camps in America?

It certainly looks like it. Why isn't the justice department doing anything about them? Why isn't Cujo? there is at least one in his state. Maybe ninny Blomberg can take his mad mayors and go after them. If reports are true, these men are felons, many are former convicts who converted to islam behind bars. They should not be allowed to congregate, they should not be allowed to have weapons, or conduct military style training.
Islam is not a religion. Its a sick perverted cult, and we need to stop coddling it. This is not 1930's Germany where attacks conducted by the nazi's were blamed on Jews. The democrats are bad, but they did not fly planes into the World trade center. They did not slaughter service members in Ft Hood, and they did not plant the explosives in Boston. Yes, their ineptitude emboldened the terrorists, but its like the guy who leaves his keys in the ignition complaining that kids stole his car and rammed it into a bridge. its not the bridges fault, its not the inept fools fault, the blame lies squarely with those who did it, militant islam.
You don't see radical Christians blowing up buildings. How many Amish terror groups are there? Even the Amish mafia is fake BS. How many of the conflicts currently being fought involve islam? Get a clue and crack down on it. We don't need it happening here any more.

Spain's Horses

The financial problems here are nothing compared to what is happening in Europe. We have  long slide ahead of us, but that is where we are heading. Spain had a boom a few years ago, and part of that affluence was people buying horses. To many of us, a horse is a hay burner. if you don't have a need, such as a ranch that needs tending, they are just a pet.
When times are good, pets are nice. Times are not good any more in Spain, and their vast herds of Pura Raza Espanola are now a burdon for many owners. Spain had over 748,000 horses in 2011. The herds are down to arround 661,000 now. Many of those are destined for the slaughter house. Hey, the French have to eat too!
I know this will piss off a lot of horse lovers. Sorry, but we have had over population numbers here as well. They are nice if you can afford them, a serious drag when you cannot. In the USa its illegal to kill them for meat. Too bad, they are edible, and some say as good as steak. If yo uhave a horse, take note. If you are buying feed, plan ahead. if you ahve range, great, but cattle will feed you better.
These economic hardships are not an accident. Some one is engineering this, controling the Euro, controling hte dollar and undermining capitalism. Take note of what things are luxuries, and which are necessities. Deal with them accordingly. Plan ahead, the next few years are gonna get worse. Just like Denny advises people starting families, don't have it if you can't afford it.

Making breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Posting will be light this week while I'm in the Hospital.

Duh

Thats all I have to say for the people who write this shit. It does not take ties to a radical group to make a terrorist these days. all they need to do is read, and believe the satanic verses aka the koran.
Personally, this kid is too dumb to know whether or not his brother had ties. he is a tool and a fool. Glen Beck released photos of the Saudi person of interest accompanied by two other middle easterners, so that makes me really wonder. We had initial reports on the 15th of more bombs. Who planted them?
I seriously believe though that these guys had ties. Some one taught them how to make the bombs. They did not learn it on wiki leaks. We must decide if we are going to tollerate continued attacks, or take action. The war in Afghanistan is a waste of time. the terrorists run and hide, so we are just spinning our wheels. We need to cut the head off the snake and bomb Saudi Arabia. drop a moab on Mecca. Piss off more muslims? hardly. They already hate us, its in their stupid book.

Holy Shit

Its Lenins Earth Day. Err Birthday. Burn something sooty and smoky just to piss off a liberal today. you know I will.

Something to start your day off right

My girlfriend and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "What the heck, I'll treat her this once!" So we walked past it again!

Ahem

HOLY SHIT! The police found 250 rounds of ammunition when they searched the Boston Bombers Cache.

What did they expect to find? Knitting needles and macrome? These idiots were terrorists. They were mooslimes. 250 rounds is about what the average rifleman in an infantry unit carries as his basic load.  50 rounds is a drop in the hat. if these punks had baracaded themselves in their hidy hole, it would have been sufficient for only a few minutes of sustained combat. The average Kansan keeps 250 rounds in his glove box. If the average redneck had only 250 rounds of ammo in his home, he would consider him self UNARMED.
So while Bustonians freak out, the rest of the world looks on and shakes our heads. I guess if you are a libtard, this is important news. Coming up next, CNN, or is it (p)msnbc, will have an interview with the second cousin of the exbrother-in-law of the cashier at the Costco where they bought goat cheese last month. Should be some breaking news in that segment./sarc
If we want to stop the islamists, we need to accept that islam is a cult of hate, and its adherents form a culture of hate. We need to kick ass, and end lives. If we don't punish them, they will continue to act boldly. Deport the entire remaining family. Send every swinging dick back to Russia. Then take the mosque they attended, and do the same with every one in it who was not born on U. S. soil.

What do we want?

Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20, but that‘s not always the case. As we look through the lens of history, it is now clear that FDR knew well in advance that the Japanese planned to attack Pearl Harbor. Between his delay of the Imperial Ambassador, and his decision to move the carriers away from Hawaii, There is an abundance of evidence that shows the Sneak attack wasn’t as secret as we were led to believe.

That‘s not to say we encouraged it, I’m saying FDR had choices to make as to whether he should order a preemptive strike, strong counter measures, or a host of other choices. America was decidedly isolationist at that time. Very few people wanted into the wars raging in Asia and Europe. They didn’t even want us helping England, France and Russia. Don’t believe me? What percentage of troops in WW2 were volunteers? Less than half. Over two thirds of the men in uniform were drafted. There was a huge campaign to sell the war effort at home. Most Americans wanted no part of it.

Fast forward to 2013, and the events of April. We have another terror attack by muslims. I won’t call them extremists, its what their book of lies tells them to do, jihad. Some people are screaming that ObamAA- knew in advance about the attack. Those same people, in almost the same breath criticize the government for the many thwarted plans by other groups.

I have news for you. This is not Minority Report. Tom Cruise is not in charge of a precrimes unit. While its likely that there was evidence of a possible impending attack, its also clear that these guys had not committed any crimes that would get them on the FBI radar before April 14th.

Its a hard pill to swallow. The government cannot keep us safe with out endangering our liberty, something we all should hold dear. I’m not happy they succeeded. I am sad that nearly 200 people got killed and maimed. I am angry that a city was living in terror for four days because of this. I don’t blame ObamAA-, I don’t blame Holder, I don’t blame the CIA, FBI, DHS, NHS, bad breath or genital warts. I BLAME ISLAM. Its right there in black and white on the pages of the satanic verses. They are to kill the infidels. They are to steal our possessions, rape our women, enslave our children, and make war upon us. Read it!

You want protection? Don’t phone the FBI. The I stands for INVESTIGATION. Hey are there to pick up the pieces and sort out the body parts.

Some folks are claiming, already, that this was an inside job. GMAFB! If this government was going to create a false flag operation, they would find a way to blame patriots, TEA party members, not Adolph of Africa’s religion of choice. So point to video footage and claim it was Blackwater. Snort! Yes, BULLSHIT! Events like this require security. Boston does not have enough cops on their staff to provide security, conduct routine business, and deal with the crimes that are happening with the influx of people for this grand event. They need to have help. That‘s fact, that‘s life.

Do you want Paul Blart, Mall Cop doing the security? Not on your life. Firms like Black Water have a staff of trained professionals read for things like this. We here in Kansas see it every year for the Party on the Prairie. The event security are hired for the job. When I had my business running full tilt, I lost people every year for the Country Stampede. They weren’t going for the entertainment. My employees were upstanding men. They had the moral character needed for this type of work, and every year they marched off to protect the party goers.

Blackwater does not have a building full of rent a cops sitting around playing cards. They have a list of men who can meet the needs of the job. Did we see Blackwater men running after the bombs went off? You bet we did. They knew their job. They knew what they had to do to complete the task they were assigned which was to filter the people running to and fro in the aftermath of the blast. If they did their job right, we will never hear about it. Failure for them is not that the bombs went off, the enormity of screening that many people going into an open event is astronomical. On the other hand, I’m sure they don’t consider this a success either.

So when you are looking around for some one to point a finger at, remember that three are pointed back a you.

Life is full of lessons. Some of them can kill you. When you are at any event. Remain alert. You are your own best defense. See something suspicious? Alert others, and move away from it. See a threat? Be prepared to take it out. The Government does not have your best interests at heart. If they did, we wouldn’t have ObamAA-care, nor a huge national debt. Decide what you want, intrusive government, or a life of risks and rewards. I’ll take the life of risk. I know the government can’t protect me from the evils of islam.

Something to start your day off right

For his birthday Little Redneck asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Redneck heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Redneck told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friken bike!"

Conspiracy theories

Once again the conspiracy theorists are running amuck. The events of this week are bad enough with out adding rumors that it was a fake event, or that the tragedy in West Texas was a missle strike. Some times these kooks find a nugget, but its rare. Rare as an honest patriotic democrat. I know, I know, I fit in with them because I don't buy ObamAA-s birth certificate. How many fakes have we seen?
Heres the pure and simple truth. if the government was actually good enough to have pulled off what people are claiming they pulled off, we'd have a believable copy of his Birth Certificate by now.

They will violate your rights as well

I have no sympathy for terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He murdered and maimed people in the name of the fake god allah and the pedophile Mohammed, piss be upon him. This guy, once convicted, deserves the most horrible treatment we can dish out, and an execution that will horrify the mooslime world.

Until he is convicted though, he has Constitutional rights. One of those is the right to remain silent. The government has decided to strip that right from him. "

A Justice Department official said Friday the government is invoking a seldom-used public safety exception permitting officials to engage in a limited and focused unwarned interrogation of a suspect - in this case Dzhokhar Tsarnaev - without first reading him his typically assured Miranda rights. .......

The public safety exception not only permits the unwarned questioning of a suspect, but also allows the government to introduce any statement yielded by such interrogation as evidence in court."

Our Constitution is worthless. We don't have any one in Government who supports it any more. The petulant child in charge has decided to assault our second Amendment rights via excuse orders.

Where do we draw the line? I want to see this sob convicted and fed to hogs. I want to see islamists the world over cringe at the thought of what we will do when angered. But I do not want our constitution violated in the process.

If this was after his conviction, I would say fine and dandy. I don't believe the right against self incrimination applies at that point. Get him a speedy trial with an impartial jury. Liam Niesons interrogations are nifty in the movies, not in America.

Saturday low information voter joke

What do you call three liberals  sitting at a bar, singing, drinking Tab, and eating apples?

The moron Tab & apple choir.

Saturday blonde joke

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. The blonde one says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

religion of peace my ass

I am sick and tired of people telling me that islam is a religion of peace. it is the most hateful destructive influence in the world today. Communism and liberalism are close, but Like Kathleen wiley said, "No Cigar." Two Chechnian mooslimes who were raised in the United States, carried out the Boston bombing. we have been concerned about an attack on a sporting event for years. We have had added security at football games, baseball games, even the Masters. The Boston marathon has more participants then some MLB games have viewers. Its was a big target.
Is more security the answer? I don't think so. We are not a police state, and when we become one, we have lost. We need to come up with a punishment that is so horrible, they won't want to try attacking us. Lets start with the assholes in GITMO. Start with their diet. make them eat pork. Force feed them bacon. Castrate every last one of them, then put a catheter in their penis, and a stout rubber band arround it. It how sheep are castrated. Tie them so they cannot get the band off their penis, and let it fall off.
Next step, lets bomb a few arab cities. We need to make an example of Libya, lets drop a MOAB on one or two of their cities. But first, lets rap the sucker with pork. The bomb will atomize the pork, and the residents will have no choice but to breathe it. Hey camel fuckers, you are on a one way trip to hell, and now you know it.
Step three, modify our ammunition. Switch our round to jacket hollow point, and pack the tip with bacon grease. yes muzzies, when you get shot, you will touch pork, and you will go to hell.
They want their seventy two virgins. They dream of their supple young boys. Lets put a price tag on it for em so high that the religion of pedophiles will become indeed a peaceful bunch of scumbuckets.

Something to start your day out right

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

Time to go Piers

Understanding mooslimes

A redneck couple was on holiday in Pakistan.  They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the rednecks walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Something to start your day out right

A redneck excitedly tells his mother  he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
Stunned, the redneck says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

I'm waiting

I'm still trying to make sense of the terror attack in Boston. Its too early to jump to many conclusions, It could be an attack by a muslim, the best first guess, a NorK supporter, another liberal nut job, like the last hundred or so, or even a false flag diversion by a tyranical government. Police should have a ton of clues gathered by now. Most of the buildings in that area would have cameras of some sort, and they should have captured something. If, after 72 hours, they don't report a lead, assume a false flag. I do not trust the government, too many things in common with nazi Germany, not the least of which is a foreign born leader. Yes, until he shows somethig valid, I'll remain a birther.

Coming home drunk

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each p...lace he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
"Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

Something to start your day off right

Two New Yorkers were out walking home  from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first New Yawker, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his friend asked.
"The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied.

What a bad day

For all those people out there who keep telling me I need to get more exercise, I say FUCK YOU, its dangerous!
For all you people living in Boston, or who had loved ones there, my heart goes out to you. It is things like that which make me firm in my belief that we as Americans need to remain armed and vigilant. We should never kowtow to terrorists, or any one. Its not too late to start, we should have, after 9-11-01, began taking terrorists and executing them with bullets dipped in pigs blood or bacon grease. The scum at gitmo should be on a strict diet of pork rinds, ham hocks, and pickled pigs feet.
Indications right now are that it was another Saudi national, ie an islamist scumbag, who did this. we should have bombed Mecca on 9-12-01. Its not too late, one cruise missle would do a world of good.

The IRS

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" "Well", said the guy, "you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!" "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, the guy replied. I work for the IRS. Do you see me fu*king the guy in front of me?"

Death and taxes

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, your accountant and the government gets your money.
Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.


At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year, they send us a complete prick."

Every last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " "No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service." Keep that in mind, its almost time... When I heard this, I was expecting it to be; "No," the woman replied, "I just got a divorce."

Having a good Saturday

After spending for a new roof, new deck, replacing appliances, etc, the new homeowner came home unexpectedly. There is the plumbers truck in the driveway.
"Please Lord, let her be having an affair".

Wanna play?

Saturday low information voter joke

A liberal arrives home late on a cold, windy and moonless night, covered in cowshit.

"Harry! Whatever happened?" cried his wife.

"Well, when I came out of the bar it was such a terrible night I decided to take a short cut across the meadow. On the way my beret blew off and I tried on three others before I found mine".

 

Then he went and watched CNN.

Saturday blonde joke

A blonde woman says to her mother, also a blonde, “I'm divorcing Sheldon!”

“All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a dime.”

Mother says, “You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in a mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for 40 cents...?!”

My first wife

Was a nurse, and a very good one at that. One day she walked into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulled a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tried to write with it.

When she realized her mistake, she looked at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she said, "Well, that's great...that's just great...some asshole has got my pen!"

The problem I see here

Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general.
This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.
He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.
So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea.
Terrific! -

Oh WAIT. . .crap!

Sorry, just remembered that we did the same thing.
We took an arrogant bastard community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief.
A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him "Beloved Leader" of the United States
TWICE !!!

I'm sorry I brought this up.
Never mind.

Go get em Ted

Rocker and progun advocate Ted Nugent is pissing off the antigunner anti hunter crowd. According to The Blaze he recently killed 455 feral hogs with a machinegun from a helicopter. Sarah Palin, eat your heart out.
Hogs are distructive. They aren't the sweet Wilbur from Charolettes Web. They ruin vegitation, polute water wupplies, and introduce parasites where ever they get a foot hold err hoof  hold in the landscape. The yare also good eating. Teds harvest went to feed poor and needy people through out Texas.
Bacon! Its whats for breakfast.

Something to brighten your day

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

How to get out of shopping

My wife asked me, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later, I came home with 6 cartons of milk.

My wife asked, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

I replied, "They had avocados."

Note to Hanoi Jane

I have a life. I don't spend all my time being angry at you, but when your face appears on my TV, I automatically flip you the bird. Same for your comrade in arms John Forgery Kerry. I'm not going to waste one dollar seeng a movie with you in it, even if it is about the wife of the best President ever.
The movie will be a bust. The communists err democrat aren't gonna go see it because its about the reagans and about loving America, something they aren't in to. Conservatives won't go see it because its got you in it. That leaves America's disconnected youth. Well, they are too busy Occupying moms basement. Guess they won't make it either. but that is what teh fools in Hollyweird want, so they can say "Nobody cares about Reagan, on to socialism!"
So fuck ya bitch.

Medicare under ObamAA-

An elderly man  goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which medicare no longer covers, and you only have another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, Medicare will pay for you to start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

A little humor

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

Fertility help for perverts

This article got me. Fertility rights for something as incapable of repruduction as homosexuality? It disgusts me. The have chosen, yes, CHOSEN a life style that is incapable of producing off spring. No child has two gay parents. They had a mother and a father. one of them might be a sicko, but it was a natural sex act, the mixing of sperm and an egg that led to fertilization. two egg cells did not combine, nor did two sperm cells unite. No child deserves to be subjected to that kind of mistreatment. Now they want to procreate on our dollar. GOD help us, we are going down the tubes like a lead raft over Niagra.
Between perverts rites, and the slaughter of our children, its amazing that the GOD of Heaven has not removed this blight from the face of the earth. Then again, considering that most other nations have sunk just as far, its a wonder the planet is still here.

Facebook

If you are on facebook, please join some of the patriot groups. D.C.Clothsline, or the Tea party Express are good places to start. Also get active with your local militia. Are you worried about the government finding out you are a patriot? You can't hide! They already know you believe in the constitution.

something to start the day off right

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.


The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Gong bananas

Just read a few of the comments.

It doesn't fit the narative.

Once again a person with serious issues has gone on a rampage. Fourteen people were slashed by a crazy with an exacto knife. Guns are forbidden on campus as are knives with blades longer then2.25 inches. This little blade was legal. What it did was horrific. Had there been one person with a CCW on that school campus, it could have been stopped. If GOD was allowed in our schools, it would not have started. This story is on a fast track to being swept under the rug. Since it doesn't fit the liberal narrative, its not important. Doesn't matter that it fits the pattern.
Pray for the victims.

Good Morning

something to brighten your day

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee." Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: "What about you Peter? How would you say it?" Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. " The teacher fainted!!

A morning blow job can do that for a man

Thanks Community Worst err First.

Goodbye Margaret

Baroness Margaret Thatcher has passed away after suffering a stroke. Britians first and only female Prime Minister was 87. She stood tough at Reagans right hand for many years and through much turmoil as they together fought to end the cold war.
She was a leader in turning England from a socialist state where the government controled many businesses to a free one with private ownership and free enterprise.
May GOD give her rest.

Something to brighten your Monday

I recently spent $3500 on a young Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young and inexperienced, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Jeeezus! The bull started to service the cows within two days.... All of my cows, even the steers are scared!

He broke through the barbed wire fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!

He's been breeding just about everything in sight, even tried the tractor!

He's like a machine! I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they have a peppermint taste with a touch of licorice.

Something to brighten your day

When you are over fifty who gives a shit? This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" > I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." > *********** > > I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. > > She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." > *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. > > "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." > > After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. > "Come on, what day was I born"? > > I said, “Yesterday." *********** > > I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. > The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. > I said, "Nice legs." > The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

The power of makeup

Welcome

Do I hear 2750?

This morning at our local Auction House the bidding was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a cry, 'Two thousand five hundred.

Saturday low information voter joke

A liberal goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The liberal says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Saturday blonde joke

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Something to brighten your day

CD, is this your kitchen?

Lets do it.

North Korea is preparing to test their nuclear fall out shelters. Lil Kimmy has authorized his military to wage nuclear war on the USA.
My sincere hope is he has a little success and wipes San Franfreakshow off the face of the globe. He can hit Sacramental too for all I care. Pray that Blinky, Box-O-Rocks and Frankenstine are all there if it happens.
You know we will blast them back to the stone age. You know that China will be complaining about the glow for six to nine months coming from where Pyongyang used to be. You know Obozo hasn't got the balls to do it, and so does lil Kim.
We're screwed. Pass me an ugly drab pajama outfit and a bag of rice.

Poor woman

Dear reader set off a fire storm of left wing controversy when he referred to Kamila Harris, as the best looking AG. She might well be. I'm not gonna look at all 50 to make a determination. If she is, its her only asset. She is wishywashy, and does not do her job. Par for California.
Almost immediately after ObamAA- read the compliment off TOTUS, he was under attack from the feministas. In particular, Zerlina Maxwell was indignant, and engaged Politico's Dylan Byers in a twitter dual.
She huffed off, saying, "It would be awesome if men would comment on someone's skill instead of their looks". I'm guessing she has never been complimented on either of em. Some one give her a beer and extra batteries for her boyfriend. Maybe that will get her over herself.

What else have they got?

Jihadists in Syria have what appears to be an AS-50. The AS-50 is one of the top sniper rifles today. It is a British designed battle changer. Produced and sold by Accuracy International, it is a favorite tool of Seals and others whose life depends on having the best possible gear in the worst possible scenarios.The AS-50 hold the current record for successive sniper kills at distance, dropping two Taliban with successive shots at well over 1.5 miles.
This weapon is a concern for us and for Israel. You can bet the islamist movement isn't stopping in Syria. They want to rule the world.
So my question is, if these taliban buddies have this equipment, what else has Obozo let slip through the cracks?
Update: The rifle in the video is a Chinese type 99. Its rated for 2MOA accuracy, so beyond 600 Meters, its not ,much good for human targets. Thats the claim any way. No one has field tested a copy to confirm the intel predictions. Would be nice to see a few on the US market to get barretts price in line with where it needs to be.

Some more redneck humor

A Missouri prostitute  married an  Oklahoma farmer but she was worried that she was a bit loose in the fanny department. So on the wedding night she wrapped an elastic band around the lips of her pussy. During sex that night the farmer remarked 'Jaysus but you're awful tight.' Then a few seconds later the elastic band broke and he let out a roar 'What in the name of Christ was that?!'
She said 'that was my virginity going.'
He replied 'well you need to go and get it back cause it took my balls with it!'

My Shotgun

Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my shotgun right in the doorway.
I gave it 6 shells, and noticing that it had no legs,
even placed it in my wheelchair to help it get around. I then left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard,
a girl walked her dog down the street, and quitea few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of our house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there in the wheelchair, right where I had left it.
It hadn't rolled itself outside.It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so.
In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself.Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people.
Either the media is wrong, and it's the misuse of guns by PEOPLE that kills people,
or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
Alright, well I'm off to check on my spoons and forks. I hear they're making people fat.

Was Sandy Hook a false flag?

I was asked to look at and comment on Alex Jones’ Infowars video about the Sanfy Hook Massacre. I did, and here are my observations.
1. While the police may have chased one or two men at the scene, its most probable they were onlookers, drawn by the noise and confusion, and possibly alerted by Police scanners. That happens. Its only places like Chicago and detroit where gun fire does not draw attention. When cops respond to such an incident, they treat every person there like they are a criminal until they know otherwise. Keeps the bad guys from darting away in the confusion.
2 The weapon removed from the trunk is not an AR-15. Clearly NOT. Its a side handle. Ars are top handle. This was either an auto shotgun as reported, but clearly not an AR.
3. Kids, moving targets? Not at that age. These kids were at the developmental age where if they close their eyes, the bad guys can’t see them. That is how five year olds think. The children would ball up, maybe clasp thier hands over their ears or eyes, and freeze in fear. You see the same thing in animal young, the juvenile becomes still and the mother makes a racjet as she escapes to lure the predator away. Its nature. Lanza could then shoot them at point blank range. Even a liberal can hit targets at that distance, AND Adam had been to the range with his mother. Numerous times, I might add.
4. No one said the ID of Ryan was valid, or exactly what it was.
5. The interviewed witnesses amy or may not have been actors. It gets done, and people get paid to let some one impersonate them.
6. The Autopsies of Adam and his mother were done last becasue at the crime scene, they would have required the most in depth examination prior to being taken away. They would also get autopsied last so that you can have the most people involved for the most thorough examination and TAKE YOUR TIME on it.
The videos of the family members and the web pages created before the shooting, if real, are serious flags.
Could the government pull something like this off? You bet they could! But it would be hard to do, and would require several years of planning. They would need several good actors, families of them for each victim, and they would need to build a cover for them just like you do with spies. I would not put something like this past the powers that pull the strings that make ObamAA-s gums flap for the teleprompter.
Did they though? Thats the real question. I don't think there is any one calouse enough to kill twenty kids, but faking twenty deaths is a possibility. Some people think that 9-11-01 was a false flag. I do not believe that for an instant. It would have taken too long and too many ptople to pull it off, and all in plain site. 100 actors is doable though, and no one would have a clue it was staged if they didn't make mistakes.
Are we seeing mistakes? or glitches? There are plausible explanations. Doesn't matter to me either way. I don't trust them any less then I did which was not at all.

I think Im gonna get back into Legos.

Didn't have em when I was a kid, but after I got into the military, well, all us overgrown kids played with em. Onve my own kids got big enough, they took over the collection, and I'm sure most of them are now part of Kansas soil.
Well, Its time to resurect my old hobby. not for sentimental reasons, just want to piss off a few more mooslimes. And thas good enough for me.

Tales of first love

I got my first condom at age fourteen.
There was a girl in my chemistry class who kept making eyes at me, and some times we would flirt and frolick.
One day she said that she wanted me to come to her house, and after supper with her folks, we would take it to the next level.
All excited, I went to the drug store and purchased my first condom.
As I proudly laid it on the counter, I announced, "I have a hot date tonight!"
Well, when I got to Nora's place, we got seated at the table, and her mother asked me to say Grace.
I believe I said the longest supper prayer they had ever heard.
After the meal, Nora took me aside, and said, "I didn't know you were religious!"
I replied. "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

Something to brighten your Monday

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

I might get fired

I was late coming into work again, and the boss was furious.
She called me into her office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"I'm sorry, but I overslept," I said.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I've not heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."

Some one needs to be taken to the woodshed

People who are anti American should be deported. They shouls never be allowed to hold public office.
Its bad enough that Florida has De'Andre Foole err Poole, they also have some bad apples in Hypoluxo where Marine Gregory Schaffer has been ordered to remove a flag pole from the yard of his rented home.
There claim to infamy is that the pole is a structure. I suppose if he was erecting something fifty feet high, it might be an issue, and the article makes no mention of the size. I can't see that happening though, he did it himself, no contractor was involved, so how big can it be?
My opinion is that what ever neighbor complained, and what ever idiot in that shity hole government acted on it should be deported. Send em to Cuba, send up to Venezuela, heck, send theeir sorry asses to North Korea where hate of the American flag is acceptable.