Something to brighten your day

When you are over fifty who gives a shit? This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" > I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." > *********** > > I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. > > She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." > *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. > > "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." > > After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. > "Come on, what day was I born"? > > I said, “Yesterday." *********** > > I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. > The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. > I said, "Nice legs." > The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "