F O D

I was in a convenience store this morning and I noticed that they had a large display of incense. I was looking it over and saw that one of the flavors was named Barack Obama. The only thing I can figure out is that when you light it, it smells like an asshole.

A little morning humor

1. Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
4. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on."
7. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
8. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

A little morning humor

I saw a woman ram into my car at Walmart, and she continued to park and go inside like nothing happened, so I left her a note.
I told her that I forgave her for the minor damages to my old car.
I explained how I was not mad that she had totally disrespected all of humanity and me in particular by not leaving me a note about the damage. I went on to explain that it was also very disrespectful for her car to leave so much paint in my key.

F I D

Do you think my friends and i caused a muslim riot?

We snuck into the mosque near my friend dave's house and stuck pieces of bacon between all the korans. later we saw a group of muslims yelling outside. is that our fault?

Best Answer:

I really REALLY wish this to be true

A little morning humor

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.

A little morning humor

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A little morning humor

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts.”

NSA keeping tabs on Carter?

The former worst President seems to think so. If they are, its to make sure he doesn't further embarrass the Country. Like he could do worse than Obozo? Well, it has been a neck and neck race. Both are miserable failures, but at least Peanut brain is a tad more articulate.
So, if you were a world leader, would you open a letter from Carter? If I were say, Putin, and I got a letter from him, I'd send it back with a note saying moved, no forwarding address. Bet he wouldn't get the hint.
Jimmuh aint mad at Obozo though even though its HIS administration that is supposedly spying on the old fool. he does lament that Barry hasn't called him seeking advice. I guess bambi knows how to hate on Jews and Christians with out any help. After all, he did get a no balls piss prize just for being the first afirmative action failure to be elected pResident.

A little morning humor

After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ...... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. L. M. N. O."

She asks .... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K. L. M. N. O.?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding! Laughing My Nuts Off!"

Memorial Service will be held Tuesday afternoon.

Incest is best?

Broadband giant Verizon has decided to offer incest and child themed porn in their video on demand service. That should give us a clue as to what is next in the war on traditional family values. As court after court rolls back the will of the voters and grants special privilege to those who make the life style choice to be homosexual, we can now see what groups will be crowing for approval next.
his is no surprise. Besides being full of the Rock Hudsons, and Ellen Degenerates, Hollywood also spawned Woody Allen and Roman Polanski. Kinsey told us that perversion is normal, and while we did not believe it, the courts acted as though the lies were true.
So now, if you are a Verizon subhuman subscriber, you can see video of sex with what appear to be underage children. Titles that proclaim Sex with daddy, or worse.
If our media is any indication, we are not a nation in decline, we are in free fall.

A little morning humor

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crouch while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'

A little morning humor

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

F I D

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?

Arab: Abu Zina.

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Every day.

Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?

Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel.

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.

Consul: Isn't that hostile?

Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.

Consul: Oh dear!

Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and run too fast.

A little morning humor

Did you hear about the Hillary bucket at KFC?

It's all Left Wings and Fat Thighs.

A little morning humor

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

It appears I'm not the only one

Over at the Conservative Treehouse, they are talking about such a possibility. If the crazies who run Iran are behind this, whom would they target? Israel would be a possibility, but it is a hard target. If Israel intercepted the flight, it would be detonated over a neighbor, and you can be sure Israel would have no bones about it going off over Syria which is the most direct route.
No, the islamists picked a 777 because of its extraordinary range. The 777ER can fly up to 7725 nautical miles, making Washington D.C. at 6338nm well within range. That means they could use a route that avoids any serious radar or air defense arena's and still be able to bring terror to our east coast. Keep in mind, April 24th, the aniversary of Operation Eagle Claw, is just around the corner. Another possible date is Easter, but a muslim satanic unholy day is the more likely. They seem to like days that are special to their perverted cult. March 21 is the persian nude queer err new year. That celebration lasts through the 24th. Couple that with college spring break ending, the students heading back to school, and you have a potential disaster of epic proportions if they targeted a hub where the kids were bunched. Also possible are Mar 20, Oil Nationalization day, and April 1 Islamic Republic Day, which is my first guess.
All things to keep in mind until they get this mess sorted out.

New vehicle option for 2015

Fiat S. p. A. today announced that beginning with the 2015 model year that they will offer as a standard option, a heated tailgate on all their Jeep lineup, and also on Dodge trucks and SUVs. This will help keep owners hands warm as they push it home during the winter.

A little morning humor

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Dear son

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.

We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles away.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 300 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get us out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends in the flatbed at the back drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.

Your loving Mum.  

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? Paddy O'Furniture 

No accident indeed

Johran McCormick is dead, killed when he was caught in bed with a sixteen year old daughter at 2:30 in the morning. Johran didn't need to die. A lot of mistakes led to his death, most of them were his. Maybe he thought it was a joke, maybe he thought it was no big deal, but a lot of parents still take parenting seriously. When I was a kid, parents still wanted, no demanded to meet the guy before they let their daughter go out with any one. Her dad knew what I was driving, knew where to find me afterward, and most likely spoke with my parents before, during, and after the first date. I know darn good and well I did it with my daughters.
So Johran was in the bed of his sixteen year old girlfriend when her daddy came charging in. At 2:30 in the morning, there had better not be a boy in her room, and frankly, a responsible parent wouldn't want him in there at 2:30 in the afternoon with the door closed. At that hour, it would have been rock salt, and you give him a running start. Its sporting, reduces the chances of a kill, inspires good behavior, and IF, on the offhand chance, he loves he enough to marry her, it darn near guarantees a good marriage as long as you have the shotgun.... and a bag of rock salt.
Back to Johran. its tragic that the as yet unnamed girl chose to deny knowing him. She was thinking about her ass being grounded for five years when she said it, and did not intend malice. Unless of course, he was lousy in bed.
No, most of the mistakes were Johram's, and he and his parents are the responsible party in his demise. parents should teach their kids respect because other parents want to protect their children. respect means meeting the parents. If they are divorced, you still should meet both of em. a father who is not present may still give two shits and one buckshot for his child, you never know why he is absent from the picture. Respect means not sneaking into their house at O-dark thirty for a bit of nooky. Getting her to sneak out? well, there will be hell to pay, but you are less likely to get shot. Respect means keeping your hands in the air no matter how much you want to cover other parts of your anatomy.
A little respect before hand would have meant people not having to pay respects at his funeral.
Sorry for the truncated post. My internet is running slow, and I did not check back until now.

A little morning humor

My neighbor took me on my first fishing trip when I was about six, we got all the tackle set up on the riverbank and he said,
"Can you open me a can of worms?"

I said "Well, I see the milkman go into your house most mornings just after you go to work."

Turns out he was talking about bait or something.

Just a dumb guess, BUT

We now know that the missing Malaysian jet remained aloft for at least five and possibly seven hours after it "disappeared". Looking at the various maps, I noticed that it could have reached Iran.
Lets see, two passengers with stolen passports have been identified as Irangatangs. The plane turned west toward Shitholistan of the pedophiles.
Is it possible? Is it probable?  Is this yet another act by the camel raping followers of the pervert mohamhead?
I do not see suicidal pilots flying the plane for six or seven hours when they could crash it down in the south China sea and be done in a matter of minutes. We should nuke Tehran as a precaution.

Thought for the day

Liberals

People who regret you only have one income to give to your country.

F I D

When Muslim parents have to use the...

"Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?

A little morning humor

The Golden Years

Car keys
As I left a meeting at a local hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition but my theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, (after waiting some time to compose myself). “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. “Idiot,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s the golden years.

A little morning humor

A man walks up to a hooker "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?", he asks.
"$100", she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says.
So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to
Do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could this immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was ok! So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

A little morning humor

Conservatives are responsible for all of Barry's lies.

They keep asking questions.

A little morning humor

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

A little morning humor

Did you hear about the Liberal artist?

He drew welfare checks.

A little morning humor

If the world were a logical place, Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

I had amnesia once - or twice....

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

If you teach a child to be polite and courteous at home, he'll never be able to edge his car onto the freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, but only half as long.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The one nice thing about egotists? They don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self help "groups"?

Is there another word for "synonym"?

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If swimming is so good for you, explain whales.

Is Marx's tomb a Communist plot?

A little redneck humor

My wife and her friend were saying how men can't do two things at once.

I interrupted and "sure we can, Last night while I was screwing you, I was thinking about your friend."

Fuck islam day

So Ahmed says to me, "I have brown eyes. I got them from my father.

My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father."

BDS alive and well, still dumb as hell

You would think that after nearly six years of Teh Won, that Bush Derangement Syndrome would be a thing of the past, or at least waning. Not so. Rutgers has asked the Honorable Dr Rice to speak at their commencement ceremonies. This has some of the staff in an uproar. Apparently, critical thinking is not taught at Rotgers either since it is spreading through the students. They have their noses out of joint because Condi was involved in the decisions that led to our invasion of Iraq. While it is true that we never found the large quantities of WMD's, there is ample evidence that it was smuggled into Syria, and was subsequently destroyed by an Israeli airstrike. We need not dwell on that. The facts which liberals love to ignore is that nearly ever prominent communist in the House and Senate all claimed, prior to Bush ever assuming office, heck, even before he ran for office, that Saddam had WMD's. Can't say they have forgotten, that means they are liars. Who knew! /sarc
All we need to do is look at all the other named reasons for invading, and we see that it was fully justified on an international scale! Was there a direct threat to the USA? Not at that time, but it was building. There were serious threats to US interests though which do justify the actions. Liberals want to ignore that though, and they are poisoning a new generation with those ideas.
Some things never change. Liberals hate is one of them. Their misguided belief in their own intelectual supremacy is another. Maybe we should call it Liberal derangement syndrome. hell, lets call it what it is, Hatred of America. Too bad we can't deport them to the communist utopia of Cuba, or North Korea. They would be in hog heaven. Added benefit, a disarmed society.

A little redneck humor

I parked at the mall the other day. When I returned, after shopping, I saw my tail lights bashed in, trunk and bumper dented.
There was a note on my windshield that said,

"I accidently backed my truck into your car. Lots of people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details in this note. Well, I'm not."

A little redneck humor

I don't understand why women want to be equal?

Shouldn't they want to be better? That shows no ambition.......
which is why men are better.

A little morning humor

I can't think of anything worse than waking up after a night of drinking, lying next to someone, and not being able to remember what their name is, how we met, or why she's dead.

A little morning humor

Did you hear about the new Gay sitcom?

"Leave it, it's Beaver"

How do you know when you're flaming?

When Beiber looks straighter than you.

Is Gay Pride a group of homosexual lions? 

Did you know only 5% of Gays were born that way?

The rest were sucked into it.

I hear being Gay in the Middle East will get you

tossed in prison, where you'll be surrounded by loads of men.

If you had to sleep between a beautiful woman  

and a gay guy, who would you turn your back to?

If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut.

If a guy does it, he's gay......  

 
 
 

Pic of the week

Stole it from here.

Must be militant Amish

We all know islam is the religion of peace, so this recent attack in Nigeria cannot be muslims. /sarc
This time, the militant scumbags are slaughtering fellow goat rapists instead of Christians. That doesn't make it any better. I guess they are upset that events in the Ukraine have pushed them off center stage.
The worst of this is that O'blowme is bringing thousands of them here as refugees. You can bet your last nickel that terrorists are among them. Whether they come from Syria, Afghanistan, or Nigeria, the most important thing to any mooslime is spreading his cult of animal rape, oppression of women, and terrorism.
Keep your powder dry.

New link

I added USCROW to my blogroll. They have a lot of excellent information on prepping, and survival skills. They are geared toward the militia, and being loyal to the Constitution. I hope you can find their stuff useful.

A little morning humor

They took Nancy Pelosi to the dog races....

She came in 3rd in the 5th race.

A little morning humor

What's a Liberal's idea of an unnatural act?

Picking up the check.