Dear son

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.

We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles away.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 300 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get us out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends in the flatbed at the back drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.

Your loving Mum.  

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? Paddy O'Furniture