News from NASCAR

Raleigh, NC, 12/31/12 Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s stimulus scheme for employing Black Harlem teenagers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing Black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon’s management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. 01/02/2013

UPDATE ~ However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Old English 800, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s wife in the shower.