A little morning humor

The bride and groom finally arrive and check into the honeymoon suite.

As they begin to get undressed the man (built like a defensive end) takes off his trousers and tosses them to his new bride and says, "Here...put these on"

The blushing bride (built like a Romanian gymnast) catches them and says, "I can't wear these".

The man of the house replies, "That's right. And remember for the rest of our lives I will wear the pants in the family."

As the bride slips out of her panties she tosses them to him. "Here put these on" she says.

"I can't get into these" roars the man of the house.

"That's right" she says. "And until you change your attitude you're not going to either"

A little morning humor

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

No rights for victims

That is the mantra of the thug momma Sybrina Fullashit. She and her gangbanging sperm donor want to repeal Stand your Ground laws. Unfortunately, the Floriduh court system has allowed her to profit from her dead criminal spawn.
She should be made to return all the money she extorted from the HOA. Yes, I know, Denny thinks HOA's are evil, but the money comes out of the pockets of honest home owners.
Some one needs to tell that worthless BITCH that her scumbag son got justice, One 9mm in the ticker!

A little morning humor

What mouse walks on 2 feet?

Mickey mouse.

What duck walks on 2 feet?

One hell of a way to die

Some people don't like spiders, for others is snakes, or rats, or well, you name it. For me, its raccoons. You might call it a phobia, I wouldn't. A phobia is an irrational fear, mine is very rational. One of my earliest memories is of raccoons. I was playing out in the yard with my nephew. I was about a year and a half. My sister came running and grabbed us, then headed for the house. She had me under her arm facing backward, and as she ran, we were pursued by a raccoon. The only thing between us and it was our dog who was running backward, snarling and growling at that coon. When we reached the safety of the enclosed porch, I vividly remember watching as the coon climbed the corner of the house to the roof of the porch.

That coon, was one of three who came into our yard that day. I've had nightmares about it all my life, and since some things from early childhood are make believe, I recently asked my sister about it. She confirmed that my memory was indeed correct, but that we had several instances that summer where rabid raccoons wandered into the farmstead.

Fast forward to 2013, and raccoons with rabies are again in the news. This one caused two fatalities. How you ask? Well, as it happens, the first victim was not diagnosed with rabies when he died in 2011, and his organs were harvested for transplant. The victim was bitten at least twice by coons and not treated. Seven months after the second bite, he died with symptoms including nausea, vomiting and fever. Due to the incorrect diagnosis, his kidneys, heart and live were transplanted. It was a year and a half later that the second death occurred. One of the kidney recipients died from rabies in February of this year. The other three recipients have undergone rabies vaccinations and show no signs of the disease.

If you are into the outdoors, be careful. Any warm blooded animal can carry rabies, and depending on the severity of the bite, it may take a week, a month, or even longer for symptoms to appear. Wild animals, and especially coons are encroaching into our cities and suburbs. They pose a danger! If you have them in your neighborhood, notify a trapper. They can use humane methods to eradicate the vermin so your neighbors won't be offended by an animal struggling in a leg hold trap. In urban settings, leg holds are the worst. Some peta puke might see the animal, attempt a rescue, and get their ass bitten. On second thought, demand leg hold traps. Two birds with one stone so to speak.

A little morning humor

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!

The next Clinton?

Worthless Willie is a one of a kind. He is a man who can rape women and still have the National Association of Gals back him 100%. He can lie to Congress, lie to the courts, and lie to the American people, and no one seems to care. His days of glory are over though, and with advancing age, he will eventually slide into history, albeit one written by leftarded professors in communist indoctrination facilities.
Cankles the unfuckable may also be slipping off the stage. Sure, the press is covering her fuck ups, or were they intentional, in Benghazi, but enough people have seen her ugly side to not want her in power.
Alas, the end of the legacy is not to be. Anthony Weinar, and his bag of tricks bitch of a wife are back at it. While Tweeter peter is up to his old stunts, one upping Worthless Willies sleeze, his wife is fast tracking America's destruction from her position at state.
This is a repeat of the debacle of 1992. We have a sleeze bag politician and a corrupt wife who is cheated on, but covers for her unfaithful louse err spouse. Yes, its not the presidential campaign, but this sicko has national asperations. not happy with fucking a few whores behind his woman's back, he wants to screw America, and he is back in the running to do it.
I expect to soon see FOX news in bed with the rest of the lame stream media. They are supposedly owned by Communist China now. Good bye news, hello propaganda. I guess Al Jizz er ah the mooslime shit fest isn't bad enough.
We. Are. Screwed.

Saturday uninformed voter joke.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (Please!)

One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Damn the luck ...

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below :

Bill Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W. J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Clinton
160 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William J Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Slick Willie Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Hillary Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Rainbow Coalition
Washington, DC

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Moral Advisor to ex-President Bill Clinton

A little redneck humor

Dad was in the field plowing

when he noticed Mary run into the barn.
A few seconds later Bubba runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.

As he walks into the barn he see's Bubba on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bubba on the ass with it. Bubba jumps up and runs outside.

Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty, Dad looked down at her and said "I didn't think you had it in you Mary."

"Neither did I dad" said Mary "until you hit him on the ass with the shovel..."

A little morning humor

A woman and her son were taking a cab
in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? and he says Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, angrily glaring at the cabbie, answers "Yes, they do".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They become cab drivers," she replied.

A little morning humor

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

Reasons To Be Single

Reasons To Be Single

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

A little morning humor

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Welfare moms to boycott Florida?

And so it continues, members of the racist congressanal black caucus are calling for a boycott of Florida because an innocent man was found not guilty of defending himself from an attack by a black and racist thug.
So if there is a boycott, (Is BOYcott racist?) who will not be going to Florida? White liberals? The state is over flowing with them. it would be so awesome if the whole kit and kaboodle of them went back to there liberal enclaves in New Jersy, New York, Chicago etc. Note to liberals, as a jesture of yor sincerity, please take some of Florida's welfare moms, and thier broods of future Travons with you!
Oh, and for those of you who think Fox is a right wing network, no body, repeat, NOBODY on the right wouuld refer to race baiting poverty pimp Jesse Jackassson as a civil rights leader. he is a race hustler, a crook, and little more. He rides the coat tale of Martin Luther King, but does nothing that Mr King would have done. King wanted equality, Jesse want a race war so he can continue to pump money from the lazy.
So stay out of Florida liberals, take your vacations in Detroit. Rooms are cheap. So is life there.

A little morning humor

Playboy Specialty Issues That Never Made It

Girls With Gingivitis
The "Women" of The Crying Game
The Women of Home Depot
1960's Playmates Grown Old and Wrinkled
The Girls of Rehab
Constantly Angry Women
Girls You Wouldn't Date if You Were the Only Man Alive
The Women of Circus Sideshows
Drab, Unsexy Lingerie
Old Women in Parkas
Playmates Receiving Oscars(Special April Fool's Issue)
Invisible Women
Girls Who Fell and Can't Get Up
Women of Wal-Mart
Women Racked With Self Doubt, Feelings of Abandonment, PMS and Inner Torment
Chain Smoking Ladies
Girls Gone Psycho
"Does This Look Infected?" feature issue

I so wish this were true

The radio station America FM was doing one of its 'Is Anyone Listening?' bits
this morning.

The first question was; 'Ever have a celebrity come up with the '
Do you know who I am? routine?'

A woman called in and said that a few years ago, while visiting her cattle
rancher uncle in Billings, MT.

She had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations.
The wait was about 45 minutes;

Many local ranchers and their wives were waiting.
Ted Turner and his ex-wife Jane Fonda came in the restaurant and wanted
a table.

The hostess informed them that they'd have to wait 45 minutes.
Jane Fonda asked the hostess, 'Do you know who I am?'
The hostess answered, 'Yes, but you'll have to wait 45 minutes.'

Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When the manager came out, he asked, 'May I help you?'
'Do you know who we are?' both Ted and Jane asked.
Yes, but these folks have been waiting, and I can't put you ahead of them.'
Then Ted asked to speak to the owner. The owner came out, and Jane again asked, 'Do you know who I am?'
The owner answered, 'Yes, I do. Do you know who I am?
I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam Veteran.
Not only will you not get a table ahead of my friends and neighbors who have been waiting here,
But you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night.
Good bye.'

Saturday low information voter joke

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

So which one is the low information voter? Probably both of em. Sorry for it being late.

Hell'n Thomas is dead

For real! Sure, you say she's looked like she was dead for the past twenty years, but the face of the White House press corpse is indeed a corpse. Helen made her debut in the White House when JFK was the president elect. Sent to cover the new first family, she broke the mold of female journalists, and instead of writing about hair styles, cooking and kids, got right to the meat, and under the skin of nearly every one she encountered. Castro, it is claimed, said that the best thing about Cuban "democracy vs United States democracy was not having to deal with Helen. OK, the evil that has befallen Cuba for fifty years has a silver lining of sorts.
Back in 1960, she was actually not an ugly dame. Beauty is skin deep, and an evil countanance is often the sign of inner hate, and she was a hater. Its my perception that she was happiest with presidents Cartuh, and O'bungler since both are avowed anti semites, and Barry the fickle DID trot a cupcake to her on her 89th birthday. The rest would have whithered under her menacing stare, if looks could kill.
Not every thing about her was evil. I will let others sing her praises though because my personal dislike for her has little to do with her liberal bias, but more with her hate for Israel. She was finally forced to resign after her remarks about Jews, that they should leave their homeland, Israel, and return to Germany, Poland, the U.S.A. or where ever, went viral. Since GOD said that he would bless those who bless Israel, and curse those who curse his people, I guess we can deduce why her ugliness when clear to the bone. Her place in the after life is known but to GOD. May he have mercy on her.
Next on UPI; Hell'n Thomas Exclusive interview with the devil.  (couldn't resist)

A little morning humor

Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot. He looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."

Is Carter senile?

Jimmuh Cartuh, the second worst president ever, must be losing his mind. Sure, sure, many of yo uthink he lost it decades ago, but the signs now indicate senility may be taking a toll. The useless asshat has come out in defense of George Zimmerman. We all know he has a racist streak, he is strongly agaisnt the Jews, and embraces islamofascism, so this begs the question is this hate for blacks that has always lurked beneith his skin, or did a glimmer of rationality slip to the surface of this worthless America hating piece of crap? I don't know, and maybe there is a part of me that hopes it is his last brain cell, there really weren't that many, failing.
In any case, he was right, like a broken clock, but only one time so far. Take a moment and pray for him. amy the Lord stricken him with stupidity that knows no bounds. Oh wait, theat already happened.

A little morning humor

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified –an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino..

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Dave, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT’ It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of.’

‘That’s very good!’
replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir , the Russian.

‘Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it
ever happened.A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very
popular cliche for speed.’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of.’

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’ he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the pastest thing is Diarrhea.’ ‘What?! ‘said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…

‘Oh, I can expleyn sir,.’ said Eleuterio. ‘ You see, sir, da ader day my
tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, by golly! I had alreydi shit in my pants!’

Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart!

A little morning humor

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

A little morning humor

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

E-evil Woman

One last shot at the demon possessed bitch from Floriduh, Angela Corey. It does appear she too has a Snowden in her ranks, or shall I say did? After an It professional recovered a multiotude of evidence from the thugs phone, the wicked witch of the east decided to cover it, and bury it. Her It guy saw the wrong in this and retained his own lawyer who ensured it was passed to the defense. The judge denied its admission because it was not passed hrough channels, and on Friday, on the eve of getting her lousy fat retarded ass handed to her by honest citizens, she fired her IT Professional.
Why oh why do the voters of Floriduh keep such dumb politicians in office? I guess the answer is the same one that explains how le Incompetent got reelected.

A little morning humor

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm going to take that".

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair?
The answer I should have given was Fiji ...

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Yes, its Bastille Day. Have a happy one froggies.

Shocked

The verdict is in! George Zimmerman is not guilty. I've been saying that from the start, but I am shocked they got a not guilty verdict. There was no evidence to back up their claims. All they had was government interference, and a mountain of race baiting. If as is being claimed, the government of race baiter team ObamAA- did all they are alleged to have done, This should go on his record as another monumental failure.
I am also thinking about Travon's parents tonight. Its not easy to loose a child. They have been caught in a media storm when they should have been searching for the truth and coming to gripps with their own failings. travon did not turn into a monster over night. They could have looked at his twitter feed and seen this coming like a hurricane off Cuba. They could have been making changes in his life long before he assaulted George, long before he punched a bus driver, stole jewellery, or sold his first bag of dope. They failed him. they still have one more, will they fail him as well?
But they are not the only ones. What about the media and thier rush to judgement? They even stooped  to faking evidence to the American public. I call AP American Pravda, but these days, that insults Pravda. We deserve better. The only ones backing Mr Zimmerman were Sean Hannity, and the crew at FOX. Now some one take a clue bat to the monsters at Communist News and pMSNBC.

Saturday low information voter joke

Ol' Fred had been a union man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called the union boss to stand with them. As the union boss stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The union boss handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The union boss thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Saturday blonde joke

Blonde Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Blonde Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Blonde Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Blonde Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Blonde Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Blonde Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Blonde Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Blonde Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

Pilots identified.

The name of the pilots of the Asiana flight that crashed in San Franfreakshow have been leaked. Pilots Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow continue to cooperate with NTSB investigators as the investigation caps one week of feverish searches for truth. I also wish to extend condolences to the families who lost children in this disaster.

A little morning humor

Seen a midget struggling to carry a Plasma TV back to his car,
so I thought I'd do him a favor and asked,
"Need some help with that T.V. pal?"

Angrily he answers . . . . . . "Fuck off, it's a Kindle."

How to have fun with messenger

Fuck Facebook

I am disgusted with farcebook and Suckassburg. Several of the web feeds I enjoy have gotten banned by his sorry ass Obomunist croonies, and I am sick of it. I have reported several pages that make threats concerning the pending Zimmerman verdict, and some that are islamist groups, and get told they are just fine, but AR15GOA, and Uncle Sams Misguided Children have both been slapped down.
DC clothsline got smart and bailed. They have their own site now. Others are doing the same. Face book has some nice features, I will give the thieving assclown that. His decision to inject politics into our lives has me soe as hell at the sorry excuse for a man.
I haven't pulled the plug just yet, but damn I am close.

A little morning humor

Wedding speech from modern girl to her in laws:

"My dear new family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new house

First of all I must tell you that my presence here should not change your life routines.

Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it.

Those cooking must keep cooking.

Those cleaning must keep cleaning.

I'll not disturb anybody's routine.

So far as I'm concerned, I'm here only

to eat BUN,
have FUN &
entertain your SON.

A little morning humor

My wife accused me of intentionally ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bullshit" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

A little morning humor

US Government Department of Fish and "wildlife" Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within
100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards
of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant
for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3
Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

Fuck their witlesses

Well, the persecuters in the George Zimmerman travesty have their diapers in a bunch. The daughter, aof Georges Lawyer, a person not connected with the defense team in any way apparently, posted a photo on instagram of her having a cone with her dad, and labeled it "We beat stupidity celebration cones."
Now aint that some stupid shit? The criminal attorneys want an inquery after their piss poor lyinass witless made a fool of herself on the stand.
Oh, and I have a word of caution for Don Wests daughter. You have not beaten stupidity just yet. When the jury returns a not guilty verdict, and a judge orders that The drug dealing thugs family must return the settlement cash to to the HOA, then you have beaten stupidity. For now, you just made it look, well, stupider.
Its time to end the wrongful persecution and send Angela Corey to prison for her misconduct.

If you only read one blog post today

Read this one too. Lets keep up the info campaign on the ROPMA.

A little something to brighten your day

Old man: "Martha!, what's the name of that damn German guy who keeps hiding my things?!"

Old woman: "Alzheimer, Frank, Alzheimer..."

Safe sex

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Pass this safety information on to all your friends.

Understanding creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life span of sixty years"

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and Enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Happy 4th, and a Salute to all our men and women in uniform

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
...
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes sir. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief. When asked this same question, he answered, “Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear.”

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major.

He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

“Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Marine Sergeant Major said, “Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

“And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one freakin’ ear.

A few simple truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

A little morning humor

A teacher at a school for blind children, instructed the class to not eat breakfast before coming to class on Monday morning. She was going to teach them to identify food by taste. She brought three platters of meat to class - beef, chicken, and deer! She told them she would give a 5 dollar price to the first student to taste the first platter and identify it. Within seconds a little boy shouted out "its beef" and the teacher said "very good"
The next platter was tasted and within seconds a little girl shouted out "its chicken" The teacher said "very good"
Now it was time to taste the deer ! None of the students could figure out what it was. The teacher increased the prize to 50 dolllars but still no student could identify it. So, she said I am going to give you all a hint - this is something that your mother might call your father....suddenly a little black boy shouted "spit it out - don't eat it - its asshole !

A little morning humor

One day my wife was out shopping and I was watching our children ages five and two.
My son was playing with the dog. My daughter, the two year old, was playing with her Barbie.

She and Barbie were having a little coffee get-together. I thought it was very nice of her
to offer me a cup of coffee, and happily accepted even though it was just water.

After several cups and lots of praise for such delicious coffee, my wife came rolling in with the groceries. She watched as my daughter brought in other cup of coffee, started laughing, and asked
me how many cups I'd drank.

When I admitted that I was waterlogged from all the coffee, my wife broke into hysterical laughter.
Through the tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks she asked me a question that completely ruined that precious moment forever.

'Did it ever occur to you', she said, 'that the only place a baby can reach water is the toilet?'