Yard Work

We have the standard six foot dog ear picket fence arround our yard, and a few months ago I heard about a rash of burglaries in the area. Someting to do with increased Meth use and a lot of folks losing jobs due to the economy. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply has, made for twenty six miles of fence.
I then used an eight foot ground rod and drove it seven and a half feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day, I'm mowing the yard with my El-cheapo Walmart 6hp special high wheel mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running mower in my right hand, and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in my left hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a Marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still! The first thing I noticed is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawn mower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs and Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the Piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap pee and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times in less then half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants three times. it seemed like there were minutes in between, but in actuality it was so close it was like the exhaust pulses on a big block Chevy turning eight grand.
At this point, I'm about thirty minutes (maybe two seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cannot let go. I grew up on a farm so I know about electric fences..... but dad always bought those pieces of shit chargers made by international or whoever that were like nine volts and just tickled. this one I could not let go of. The eight foot ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the rich Kansas river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to man up and take it until the mower runs out of gas. 'Damn!' I think as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawn mower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawn mower race cam in it. Covered with poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think "Oh GOD please let me die... Pleeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from the owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of a July 104 degree, 80% humidity day standing in my own back yard, begging GOD to kill me. GOD did not take me that day... he left me covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.. I honestly don;t know how I got loose from the wire.. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. the lawn mower beside me was out of gas. It was later in the day and I was sun burned. There were two dead spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding onto it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left just the right).
3. pee poop and vomit when mixed together do not smell as bad as you might expect.
4. My right eye will not close.
5. My left eye will not open.
6. The lawn mower runs like a sumbitch now Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it runs better then the day I bought it.
7. My nuts are smaller then average yet they are longer then my penis by several inches.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still have no clue on this???)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always double check triple check and quadruple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar ever does try to get over my fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which reminds me to quintuple check before I mow.