The latest from France

An uneasy calm has settled with the night over the streets and suburbs of Paris. Tonight, parents who were brought up learning the Horst Wessel in case Germany ever returned are hurriedly teaching their children to sing the Adhan, the mooslime call to prayer. What at first appeared to be an easy uneventful surrender quickly turned into a fiasco when ISIS rejected their unconditional surrender and instead issued a list of demands.
Full details have not been released, but some of them quickly became public. President Hollande confirmed that it was no big deal for all of France to convert to islam saying since most French are atheists, it would not matter what god they were not worshiping.
Likewise, the demand that all french women wear burkas was also agreeable since most of them are not all that good looking, and the full garment would help to contain the putrid odor of so many unwashed bodies.
The demand that all women be acompanied by a male relative when in public met with much resistance. It seems that the men are more feminine, and it would only sew more confusion.
he big sticker though was the demand that the French all give up wine. This may spark another mass migraton as thousands of French began the journey to the coast.
French troops remain on high alert tonight. Commanders expressed worry stating that their men had been standing at attention with their hands raised for over thirty hours, and men were beginning to drop as exhaustion overcame fear. Most were unsure whom they needed to surrender to, and children had scurried off with many dropped weapons.
Reports coming in from Great Brittan state that people on the cliffs of Dover could see swarms of people on the beaches, and that many were entering the water.
An unconfirmed report states that one hapless Frenchman in an overloaded row boat capsized a mere hundred yards from the English shore. The man was reportedly drug to safety, but had to be restrained from returning to the water. As he was loaded into an ambulance, he was heard to scream
 "My Chardonnay, my Champaigne. Save them! Save them!
Other reports confirm that the house of Lords met briefly on how to handle any human wave that crosses the channel. London has less than two weeks supply of Champaigne, and perhaps a months worth of Chardonnay on hand. They are unsure how the Frogs would handle drinking warm English beer, and whether enough supplies of Mogen David could be imported to deal with the demand.

Sorry, this shit writes itself, and while I feel for the French, I don't feel that much.