Saturday, July 28, 2018

Why do we love soda straws?

Now technically, a soda straw is a cave formation, a speleothem, but I am referring to the plastic ones. It might seem like a silly question, but what is it that creates our infatuation with a slender filament of hollow plastic through which we suck beverages ranging from Coke to iced coffee?
Straws have been around quite a while. The oldest known straw in existence is believed to be from 3000BC and was found in a region occupied by the Sumerians, the oldest known civilization. It was made of gold, and used for drinking beer.
By the 1800's Americans were using straws made from Rye Grass. In 1888, Marvin C. Stone, upset that his mint julep was taking on a grassy taste, invented a straw made of paper which was then coated in wax to prevent the straw dissolving in bourbon.
So why did straws become popular? Sanitation is part of the reason.  Most establishments offer drinks in disposable cups, but it used to be that drinks were served in reusable glasses. Sanitation in many places, even homes, is not top notch, and a dirty glass is a prime cause of illness. A simple fix was the disposable straw. Like the paper grocery bag which replaced the bacteria laden cloth ones, it's low cost made disposal a cheap option vs illness which costs millions nationally in lost wages and productivity.
Another convenience of soda straws is ice in drinks. If you have dental work, there is nothing like the sensation of ice cold coke flowing past those front fillings to send you into orbit. Of course, you could drink your pop warm, but chilling seems to be the national way. At least until the liberal histarians decide that using ice contributes to global warming because you are depriving the planet of diminishing ice reserves. Never mind that Antarctica has ice from when when Abraham was alive. Do we have any proof that all the snow fall from the first winter after Noah crashed the Ark On Mt Ararat melted? Don't think so.
Yet another reason to keep those straws around is visibility. You drive. You swing in to the local stop and rob and grab the 55 gallon fountain and head out the door. Nothing like trying to drink in traffic if you are tipping that cup up. 1. It blocks your view of the road however momentarily, it is obstructing your view, and in most rush hour traffic, reaction time is critical. Give the guy ahead an extra inch, and some body in the lane next to you will hop on over and you are now closer than you've ever been if you so much as blink. 2. Most of our roads are as smooth as the alps. every thirty feet or so is an expansion joint that will have you wearing more of your latte than goes in your stomach... Unless you plan to eat your shirt for lunch. 3. it provides essential time for temperature equalization. Whether hot or cold, your drink is not at body temp, and if the difference is too great, harm to your mouth may result. If you feel the heat through the straw on your lips, you have a moment where you can relax and not have excess heat creating blisters in your mouth, nor excessive cold giving you that massive instant headache ass the blood vessels flowing through your neck constrict to protect your brain.
If you are worried about the fish, you shouldn't be. Fish are actually, contrary to rumors, smarter than the average liberal. Fish do not randomly go about eating everything they see. Fish are on a quest, a quest for food. They are looking for things that they can eat, things like other fish. They don't want to waste time on a stick or a turd, they want nutrition, so they look for movement. Straws don't really move.
A few might get eaten. Some people stick needles in their arms and let strangers stuff their asses with peckers. Evey species  has its Nancy P Lousy's. The simple fact is every plant or animal on the planet is food for some other critter. Yes, your  children are going to have you pumped full of poisons and stuck in a box buried six feet deep, but eventually lowly bacteria will turn you into germ poo too. So even the poor widdle fishy who got a straw stuck in his throat will still get eaten by a bigger fishy who will get eaten by a still bigger fishy who will be eaten by an even bigger fishy some kid with a craving for a tuna sandwich. Who will then crap it down a toilet where it will proceed to a sewage plant, be "processed" then flow right on back to the ocean where plankton turn turds into food for little fish who are smart enough to not eat soda straws, and another tuna is headed to Kroger.
The hysteria movement all started thanks to a nine year old. Don't be critical of her, she is smarter than the average liberal even if, as nine year olds go, she is an average kid. So do me a favor and don't eat your straw because if you do, you will crap it, then the sewage plant won't be able to "process" it and it will end up in the ocean where plankton won't eat it and it won't eventually become a tuna sandwich but will instead end up washed up on a beach along with all the needles that cover the streets of San Franfreakshow.

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